I am at a crossroad no longer knowing where to

I´m in a kind of hopeless predicament:

Two years ago I started this so-called blog. During this time, I have toiled enormously, investing all my knowledge and skills, trying to bring about another “breath” of newness. I wanted to create a forum for dialogue, a place for meaningful exchange and interaction. For the time being, I am face to face with the realization that my belief to create a new context of unbiased openness and honesty, is but a childish dream.

I seem to have failed in my pursuit. I no longer see any point in continuing with Mirrors of Encounters.

It is impossible to go on with something that is not appropriately understood and reciprocated. It is like spreading precious water in the sand.

It seems that for the time being, the only one I should give things to, is myself. People sneak into my posts but don´t really get what I write about. If they did, more force and enthusiasm would come back to me. But it doesn´t. I kind of conjure up only my energy and wisdom to find myself kind of drained after. IT IS NOT RIGHT TO GIVE WITHOUT ENDORSEMENT.

It feels that I cannot continue spreading this valuable information for free. It is strange, but unless people pay for something, they don´t evaluate it. No matter that whatever I write about is said by Krishnamurti or others who “understood”, I DON´T FEEL HEARD.

Indeed, if what I write about would have been said by Jesus or Tolle or whoever,
you would probably believe it.

But since I am (only) Julien Matei, it is not thoroughly convincing.

Anyhow, I can take this solitude, but after writing and giving my all in these posts here I kind of feel even more “lonely”, yes, a sort of unpleasant solitude. Really, without any real feedback you cannot possibly continue.

People claim they want to change, prosper and heal. Reality is that most of us like things the way they are. This is a rather sad truth, but it has to be said:

There is no one to blame, this world looks the way it does cause – let´s face it! – WE SECRETLY LIKE THE WAY THINGS ARE. THIS WORLD IS THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE JUST NOW. A sum of our fears, cowardice and lack of real expression. Nothing more or less.

People indulge in their sloth, love their failing, love conflicts, love their disease, suffering seems to be their main motivation. Whatever other things they say about Peace, Real Success, Togetherness, is but pure literature. Fiction. Childhood stories to appear interesting and make a nice impression and have something to talk about.

Really, despite my love to write and sharing, I am facing a hard decision…

To continue writing here, or not…

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About julienmatei
I feel un inner urge to express what I see, to communicate and share with others all these impressions. Often the things I see are there, not yet manifest, but waiting... to be observed, talked about, and embraced. These new insights need another approach, a more vivid curiosity... Due to fear and prejudice we prefere to see only "the offcial " truth - but THE OFFICIAL TRUTH IS DEAD - being dead, it has nothing to give... We can continue pretending Death is fascinating or...we can take the trouble to LIVE... THE NEW has no definition yet... Again, IT requires another "perception", the courage to apprehend everything differently, from a totally new angle, with new confidence and inquisitive touch. This blogg is not about interesting concepts, it is about participation...finding new solutions, inspiration, togetherness..

25 Responses to I am at a crossroad no longer knowing where to

  1. Peace isn’t fictional place. Neither are your words. I feel exactly what you are saying though. Lonely I get that, where i stand is more in the era of “what is real anymore” so taking breaks sometimes to clear my head. Or even find a ground to stand upon to understand . I don’t know if the things I am doing are mistakes, or not. I don’t know if anyone understands that. I know your questions have helped me. It would be nice to get some honest clear feedback though at times. Hear that = ) So whatever you choose. Thanks for the words.

  2. goldennuggetde says:

    Julien,

    as I said before: it’s up to You whether and how You will continue with MoE. Nobody can make up Your mind – only yourself can do that.
    Between the lines I read that You’re pretty much sorry for yourself.
    How come that You suddenly change towards making money instead of giving love with your words, eventually?
    You’re annoyed by mankind but this is only Your own personal perception. Don’t point Your finger at others. This is not Your business.

    What do You think?

    Thanks,
    Your friend Richard

  3. The Savvy Senorita says:

    Ummmm, Julien this is sad news. I can see and feel your sentiments, and I concur with what you write in part. I have felt the same over at my own blog, albeit, I am not discussing philosophical ideals or ways to be. Every follower takes something from each post they read, even if they don’t indulge in comments and so on. I do wonder though if you follow anyone else’s work closely? Do you partake in two way conversation and input – as people will enjoy you being part of their blogs as much as you want them to be part of yours!
    It can become infuriating not receiving any feedback or discussion that maybe considered what you want to receive (I know this one too)!!! Yet, people are fickle and busy!
    I suppose you don’t wish to hear this as you might feel we will always misunderstand you, but I hope that won’t be the case; I hope you see my words as you wish yours to be seen.
    You have people here who enjoy your words, you know that! People follow your work, and you should take value from that; as from what I see on your blog you have quite a considerable following, and your posts generate plenty of interest.
    Don’t feel you have to give up because you aren’t being received as some kind of prophet; none of us on WP are even close to being one of those!
    Best wishes for you as always,
    Bex :)

  4. hakesplace says:

    Persistence is the key.

    • julienmatei says:

      Digging for gold in the wrong places, can be utterly draining.

      Meaning that…

      Sometimes persistence may be in vain… – unless you feel that sparkle of being in touch with the right feeling, with the feedback that makes our endeavour worthwhile…

      You are one of the few persons with whom I want to stay in touch, and also write to :)

      • hakesplace says:

        I know what you mean. Persistence also means persisting in finding “other” ways…and thank you so much for wanting to stay in touch with me. I feel the same. :D

  5. phop247 says:

    Dear Julien,

    I only “liked” this out of respect for the serious time and effort that you have put into this blog. However, I do NOT like what I am reading, my friend. Where is this idea even coming from? Why is money entering the picture? Your writing is PRICELESS – WHY PUT A PRICE ON IT?!?! I doubt Krishnamurti, or Tolle or any of those well known people charged a dime initially. The Truth is not always popular!! I think you are right in saying a lot of people simply do not understand your words, at least not in the way you might imagine. Look, I could write a term paper on “why Julien should keep his blog” but ultimately this is not my decision to make. All I can do is let you know that I value your work IMMENSELY. and Mirrors of Encounters is one if not my number one favorite blog! And I don’t say this just to make you feel better, but because this is a fact.

    I am glad you take this so seriously – I would just say it would be a shame to lose your presence on the blogospehere. I would miss you daily.

    Also, just because I do not comment does NOT mean I do not read your work!!! This goes for others as well, I am sure.

    If anything, maybe you just need to take a break? Take say a week off – and just be aware of how you feel. Notice what thoughts arise. Blogging for me is more than just “blogging” but an expression of LIFE! That is pretty deep.

    And if all of this fails, just know, I love your blog and there is nothing you can do about it!

    PEACE and POSITIVE VIBES from your friend in the States.

    -Paul

    • julienmatei says:

      Paul,

      I am so moved by your words here, so I didn´t know what to say really, but I will come back with a more relevant answer.

      For the record, I seem to have no choice but to go on writing here…

      My best thoughts to you!

      • phop247 says:

        Julien, maybe words are not fit to express how you feel?

        You do have a choice, I just hope you decide to continue!

        Best,

        Paul

  6. seeingwhatis says:

    Good idea. Have rarely come across so many people pretending to understand the truth as in this blog. I have no idea why they keep commenting on your posts. Maybe all the other gurus in the world have dismissed them already as “just not fit”.
    They probably think they are nice in there continous draining of your energy.
    But they are mean and actually evil. I don’t think so, but that’s how they them selves would put it. In their heads there is good and evil. And they think they are good. They are perfect. They are complete. Just the way they are. Why can’t they see that. Search for real for one second and you will find. Stop this chareade. They don’t know that you are Jesus. That’s why they proudly come to you to put their excrements on display, saying, I am like you.
    Tell them. “you are not that”.
    So. People. You who doesn’t recognise Buddha or Jesus.Leave Jesus alone. He have quite throwing pearls for pigs. If you find a clean spot on the floor, do you really have to spit on it?
    Making money is a silly thing. Face it, you will die, we all will. Facing that fact is very important if you want to die before you die, so that you can live for real. Don’t listen to talk about making money. Stupid talk really.
    Sorry for my umempathic message. You are all complete. Stop the search.
    Live without a clue.

  7. reikiheidi says:

    I for one love your site, your posts, your thoughts, your words. I understand your frustration though. But you can’t reach all the people all the time. No-one changes the whole world; jesus certainly didn’t – why do you think he was crucified?! If his people loved him so much at the time, history would have been different… he’s had two thousand year to become a legend… as has Buddha! And not everyone knows the name of Tolle – there’s a lot of ‘ignorant’ people out there.
    Ripples is all anyone can do: the drip-drip effect.
    I think – what you need to decide is, not what others take from this, but what YOU do. Do you still enjoy writing? Blogging? Does it make YOU feel good, what you do? Be guided by your heart.

    I started my blog because my poetry was siiting on a shelf gathering dust – so i thought, ‘well why not?’ And I’m glad I did, I’m loving the journey and other blogs and the diverse thoughts and conversations. For me, blogging is an incredible experience of sharing and connecting.
    Is it for you?

    Blessings my friend.

  8. buddhasal says:

    I too, like may others, enjoy your blog. I’m totally new to this whole blog thing and I learn something new everyday;like conveying my message to a larger audience and doing so just by changing the name of my blog. It was that simple. Now I get an average of 70-100 hits per day when I wasn’t even getting 30. Just because you get no feedback doesn’t mean noone is reading; actually they’re doing just the opposite. They can’t wait to read your next post. I’m no writer. I’m a person who loves conversation and likes to express his mind. I know many of my friends read my blog. How do I know?; because I stay in contact with many, yet not one of them ever likes or makes a comment on my blog. They’ll usually text, email, or call me. I’d hate to see you go since we’ve engaged in deep thoughts and was hoping for more.

  9. julienmatei says:

    I will respond in due time to each and everyone of who who commented this – for me – one my most essential posts.

  10. I’ve only just come across you as a result of you liking a recent post of mine (thank you!) and this is the first post I’ve read, which makes me curious to read more. I can understand your frustration, but I would urge you to have a little more patience. True service is self sustaining. If this isn’t serving you, is making you tired, something isn’t working…and I would like to gently and lovingly invite you to take that inquiry back to yourself. What serves you? Personally I find it serves me to celebrate what is already good in the world rather than focus on changing all the things I don’t like. I’ve been there and it was indeed exhausting…because what you focus on grows. I can’t tell you what’s right for you, only you can decide if continuing this blog is the right decision, but I also think it would be a shame to end it here – if you’re going to go out, go out with a bang! Write the best, most loving, most hopeful. most inspirational piece you can…and then move on.

    • julienmatei says:

      Thank you for your comment!

      I am always prone to question and inquire – above all myself: my so-called perspective, or lack of perspective, or my judgement – as to whether it is clear or not, correct or incorrect. I am not afraid to see and recognise my shortcomings.

      The absence of right feedback I am talking about, IS NOT THE FEEDBACK GIVEN BACK TO ME, but rather the incapacity of others to appropriate the information given. You see, I don´t think truth is “self-sustaining”,
      I´d rather say, TRUTH IS “BOTH-SUSTAINING”.

      Whenever a real and authentic dialogue takes place, whenever there is a genuine wish to approach and see things honestly and lucidly, for sure, that very energy heals both the giver and the taker. Don´t ask me how, but I FEEL THAT ENERGY WHEN SOMEONE RIGHTLY HAS APPROPRIATED WHATEVER I WRITE. It is an uncommon but very fulfilling sentiment.

      This is a perfect example to sustain my point:

      http://julienmatei.com/2012/12/14/absolutely-wonderful-this-makes-my-heart-sing/

      You say:
      “Personally I find it serves me to celebrate what is already good in the world rather than focus on changing all the things I don’t like. I’ve been there and it was indeed exhausting…because what you focus on grows”

      It is rightly so, and perfectly put. Now…The fact of the matter is that I NEITHER CELEBRATE THE GOOD OR THE BAD in the world. I am not interested in “the world” as the World is a vague and elusive concept.
      THE WORLD IS THE VERY FACT OF ME WRITING TO YOU NOW!

      if I manage to convey something pertinent to you now, as you did with your comment, than the whole world – in a sort of irrational way – will actually benefit from our dialogue now.
      WE ARE IN THE ACT OF OBVIOUSLY GIVING SOMETHING TO EACH OTHER:
      THESE WORDS NOW!

      The curse of this present age is that everybody is interested to get, but very few – if any!! – give something in return. It is sometimes quite evident, that many are not even giving to themselves what is rightly theirs…

      I feel many times in an awkward position, as I am among the very few who have the guts to take up things which are neither convenient, pleasant or spiritually or emotionally “corrrect”.

      This is not focusing on the “good or bad” in the world, my words are not supposed “to change” becuase they won´t,
      I just ask and call for a fairly serious and lucid attitude to deal with important issues,
      which can deepen our further understanding of ourselves questioning our timeless conditioning.

      Conditioning is neither good or bad. Conditioning is thoroughly bad. Even the
      “good aspects” of conditioning are intrinsically bad, as they create even more confusion and infelicity. It seems to me, that people are not so interested to really commit themselves to change. IF THEY WERE, THEY WOULD HEED MORE THE INFORMATION HERE, or elsewhere for that matter.

      But again, this requires a serious and thorough attitude, not only some kind of vainly pursuing an existential whim, in order to alleviate your momentary bad conscience or fears now, and then get back to the same shallow and mendacious life.

      Now, as a final note, I have already written “my best, most loving, most inspirational” every single time according to my best ability. The information is already here in Mirrors of Encounters for the ones ready to see.
      The question is:

      WHO IS READY TO SEE AND APPROPRIATE THIS INFORMATION…?

  11. Pingback: Should I stay or should I leave – or both…? « Mirrors of Encounters

  12. Thomas Ross says:

    Julien,

    I have been away- again. This back-and-forth, presence-then-absence pattern reflects, I believe, a deep personal struggle- as though I am standing on the fault line between the world that I inhabited for so many years and the way of being that is right there, but somehow eludes me.

    I have a much greater self-awareness, which is part of the struggle. For most of my life, I kept all things and people at a hazy distance. Nestled into what felt like a comfortable sense of my life, reasonably happy, reasonably successful, reasonably aware and present. Ensnared in this trap, I dragged myself towards the finish line.

    And then. I crashed. Turned to Zen, the Tao, began to work towards a real self-awareness. At first, it felt great. making so much progress, I thought. But now, after traveling what seems like miles away from that old illusory life, I feel more bereft than ever. Feeling that the way of being that is right and true will never be mine. Better never to have tried, I sometimes think.

    All of this leads me back here- and to you. You will continue to write the blog- or not. But either way, you will choose. You will not act out of what you imagine others expect of you- nor out of any sense of obligation. You exist in a pure sense of self- not “selfish” but “self-ful.”

    For me, making this connection has been important. You are a voice in the wilderness. You remind me of what this way of being can be.

    Sometimes your words tumble out in what seems a confused, hard-to-follow way. Sometimes you project a kind of madness. Sometimes I do understand and simply diverge in my own understanding. But what never, ever happens is for me to come here and encounter the banal, the conventional, the carefully reasoned analysis that is our great post-Enlightenment gift and our greatest curse.

    You do what you will. If you never publish another post, that will not change the ripples of influence that you have already spread through the world. Your ripple affects me, and I write from that effect, and others read that, and they act in their moment with the influence of their experience of my words, which were influenced by your words. On and on. You have already changed the world- as you will continue to do, whatever your chosen mode of life and expression.

    You will do what you will do. What comes of it is not for us to control. But never doubt that it matters.

    Tom

    • julienmatei says:

      Tom,

      I was speechless reading these ovewhelmingly honest and protruding lines of yours.

      Your comment here is by far the the most meaningful feedback I´ve ever received.

      Really, thank you for this gift of being reciprocated in this true but dispassionate manner.

      God bless,

      Julien

  13. seeingwhatis says:

    It only matters if you don’t care at all. Then you are part of everything an act accordingly. Tasks and goals never matter.

  14. jalal michael sabbagh.http://gravatar.com/jmsabbagh86@gmail.com. says:

    I read the post as if l am in battle with myself.Rewards could come in many shapes ,many way,some times we don’t know how. . To help some one or to guide someone is the greatest reward.You been doing wonderful job .We can’t put a price tag for a laughter or feeling happy.jalal

    • julienmatei says:

      Jalal,

      Your comments landed in the spam section. I saw them now by chance.
      It would be so valuable for me to know what your battle is about. Sometimes it is easier to guide or help someone, but when it comes to helping yourself things become more difficult.

      When you are stuck, no matter how much effort you put into things, it makes no difference. You kind of need a hand to get you out…

      Thank you for your amiable and encouraging words.

  15. jalal michael sabbagh.http://gravatar.com/jmsabbagh86@gmail.com. says:

    Julien.You been dong such a beautiful job.Your rewards is every smile you bring to others ,in every new ideas you write.Thank you for liking my new post.Rewards could come in many ways and many shapes.jalal

    • julienmatei says:

      I really have to tell you that I appreciate the cordial tone in your words.
      So it is: rewards can come in many ways and many shapes.

      One question: is it an oud you are holding in your hands? I live the sound of it…

      Best regards

      Julien

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