2013/05/14 Leave a comment
2012/12/06 3 Comments
I interrupted all songs for you
As you are
The Music I hear
The Shining Shadow of
My Withering tone.
I ceased to look for you
As you were me
And I was you
We were this fleeing Dream
You are forever
This shivering yearning
Color of the colourless Light
Sweet tale of no remembrance
I bow to you
My Shimmering Love
2012/12/01 6 Comments
Is something that we do so well not an act from memory developed through repetition? One doesn’t use memory conspicuously at times but it is implied that if you do something well then you learned it from practice and isn’t practice something stored in memory for use later?
“Is something that we do so well not an act from memory developed through repetition?”
Memory, repetition and practice…Let us try to give it a thought and find out together what´s what.
That´s for sure, without me being able to write and speak English properly, I couldn´t write here. For the record, I am not sure always as to my appropriate usage of the language.
However, quite evidently, it has taken me years of reading and pondering to be able to expose an idea reasonably well.
The same applies to piano playing or painting, or whatever other skill. In order to fulfill your ability, it takes years of practise, of commitment and perseverance…you know, what is usually considered “hard work” is undoubtedly a fact, if you want to reach excellence.
What you say is right: “it is implied that if you do something well then you learned it from practice and isn’t practice something stored in memory for use later?”
Let me tell you that I am – what they call – a very versed pianist. I have been playing the piano since I was five, attempting to improve this skill my whole life. Once, after a very demanding concert, a five-year-old kid went to the piano and JUST PLAYED TWO NOTES.
Those tones were so pure so I was taken aback.
I realized with greatest awe, that
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME “THE GOOD PIANIST” AND THE BOY WHO NEVER TOUCHED A PIANO BEFORE BUT PLAYS ONE NOTE…
You know, this very episode turned my so-called world upside down…It was probably one of the moments which triggered my awakening.
I spent all my life improving my skill and there comes a boy, and with two tones, he overthrows
all my then current beliefs…
So the question is: who is better off…? The beginner or the connoisseur?
The one who “knows”, or the one who is inexperienced and “doesn´t know”?
Isn´t memory many times just a tool to perpetrate my identity which is nothing but my self-importance?
Isn´t my identity and self-importance the walls I raise so that we cannot reach each other…?
What is the target for my practising…? Why do I repeat day in day out the same thing…? The answer is quite evident: I TRY TO BE SOMEONE. No matter what, I always struggle to assert myself.
If my only gain is self-assertion, it means that you automatically become my enemy – can you see that? Your plans can never coincide with mine as long as I fight for “my thing” and you for yours.
If we look closely, does anything repeat itself?…What is repetition at the end of the day?
Obviously, Repetition is inherent in ego´s nature, and through memory, practise and repetition the Ego magnifies its “everlasting” importance blowing up its illusion of being separate.
If we have eyes to see , we can understand that:
Nothing ever repeats itself, if there is no separate entity to watch and witness…
When I let go of memory, practise, repetition, when I drop the idea of “later” too, then I am ever new. Second by second. Being “new” every moment, I am free, I have nothing to defend. Only fear – that is identity – can be defended.
So the very idea of identity generates the illusion of memory, repetition and practise.
When this is understood, you will realize that in this new gained freedom, you are being “remembered”. With other words, you let go of Memory and trust the ineffable Now. In this joyful trust, you have an immediate relation to life, you have energy, that is, you can create something without repetition. You no longer define yourself through “WHAT WAS” but through WHAT IS.
What is, is Life happening now. When you live in present tense, there is no gap anymore
between Everything There Is and You.
Being in direct contact with What is, is unforeseen immense potential!
ONLY WHAT IS, IS TRUE. Everything else is senseless literature.
2012/11/29 20 Comments
Isn´t it funny?
We are all in a constant frenzy to get things done. The quicker the better, we most often think…
Yet, there are things which cannot be rushed. Jan Van Eyck is said to have worked with a portrait
for 24 years till he finally considered it ready. Isn´t it overwhelming?…A lifetime.
I have a similar story. I started playing this partita in B-flat major by J.S. Bach sometime
when I was studying at the Music Academy.
It may seem outrageous, but first now, this piece is beginning to come along.
Not that the tones weren´t there before. It was something else missing:
THE UNWAVERING SILENCE BEHIND THE TONES. The inner architecture…
You can work with tones, but how on earth do you work with the silence creating the tone…?
The “invisible” structure of this composition has given me enormous trouble,
I needed this long amount of “time” to render it accurately…Imagine that – 25 years for
a piece to sound right!
I played today in a recital, it is still not the way I want it to be, but it´s finally forthcoming.
Both me and the audience felt that unobtrusive crystalline joy and charming clarity, – such an immense celebration. A whole life in a quarter of an hour…
Sometimes this feels true:
Ars long, vita brevis – art is long, life too brief.
2012/11/19 21 Comments
Some two weeks ago, I was sitting and writing at a cafe. A guy I know came to me and invited me over to his table, he was sitting together with his son.
I declined politely, I was in no particular mood for conversation being absorbed in my ideas.
So he stood by my table a little while and we changed a few words though.
He told me about his son. The young man, I found out, was autistic. Very special. He could play the piano well, and had an incredible memory. It was enough for him to hear whatever tune, and he would just play it right away.
“You know”, he went on, ” he has also this amazing capacity – he feels people instantly. If he detects any negativity, he refuses to talk, he just walks away.” I admit, he sparked my interest. I was curious to see how the guy would react to my presence. As I felt how my inspiration had faded, and as they also were about to leave,
I told him I could just come over to their table and greet his son.
The son was anxiously sitting waiting for his father. “This is Julien Matei, a friend of mine, he is also
a pianist, I just wanted you to say hello.” Out of the blue, the young man raised brusquely from his chair, looking angry and conspicuously disturbed. His attitude was anything but equivocal:
“No, I don´t want to talk to you, go to hell, leave me alone!” he shouted.
“Yes…but Julien is a friend, he is nice…” tried the father…
“God damn it, don´t you hear, I want to go home!”
At first I was taken aback by his vehement response. It was fiercely unfriendly and
I LOVED IT!
Really…I had never witnessed a more atrociously true demeanor. Uncouth yes,
but unambiguously frank…
Rarely did someone move me the way this autistic boy did. What a lesson of dignity and integrity…
My parents – especially my mother – brought me up to be nice and amiable with everybody. But this undifferentiated courtesy of mine has throughout my life been perversely inappropriate – a jinx really.
This inadequate politeness has been really disastrous. It has made that I allowed different bastards to use and take advantage of my friendliness and benevolence. I should have walked away instantly many times. But being taught to be courteous, I have wasted precious time with different people who just deserved
a healthy, liberating and prompting FUCK OFF or GO TO HELL.
It would have been much more dignified, fair and emotionally correct.
But finally… – this autistic boy has taught me the right lesson.
2012/10/24 Leave a comment
Hi monsieur conqueror d’illusion,
How far have your efforts succeeded to become a child again?
Have You stopped reading?
Have You stopped playing the piano?
Have You stopped to listen to classical music?
My ego did whatever it could to choke The Beautiful Child in me. But this once so fragile and vulnerable child has won the victory. It has gone through thousands of deaths. Yet… It was so strong in its “fragility” so it showed to be absolutely and irresistibly unstoppable.
So now I can say:
I have stopped reading but still read sometimes. I find great pleasure in writing though Uttering these words to you now, feels great.
I have stopped playing the piano, but now Piano is playing me. So wonderful…
When it comes to music, with very few exceptions, I can´t listen to it anymore. It is a total nuisance, especially classical music which bores me to death.
( Please don´t say that to all connoisseurs and music professors )
I only listen to the fabulous music within me.
Yes, I have started to compose like a fury – from the most simple, innocent dainty and delicate sounds to absolute powerful, corybantic ecstasy.
You can imagine what it is in-between
1. I won’t tell anybody about your attitude towards classical music
2. I share your opinion about that.
3. Writing here give me great pleasure, too. The bad thing is that it takes a lot of time. Time which I should use to earn money, somehow. But still, I can’t stop writing – although I can reduce a bit …… only a bit.
4. I feel kind of distorted when it comes to reading. On the one hand I’d like to skip all gaining of knowledge. On the other hand I find those wonderful and enlightening sentences of Eckhart Tolle. It’s obvious that if I hadn’t have read Tolle, Krishnamurti, Brahm it would have taken some more years or even decades until my finding out about all those circumstances and relationships between me and the universe.
How about you?
(To be continued)
2012/09/22 1 Comment
Culture cannot exist without memory. Culture means tradition. What is tradition?… It means obsessively repeating certain patterns again and again, thus creating conditioning – that is, ever reinforcing the past.
Culture is time. As we want to ensure our survival, we see time as continuity and possession, and so we create – among other peculiarities – “classical music”.
So basically it all boils down to this: the “classical” versus this very moment…
Is this very moment “classical”? Hardly ever… Does the moment need to have continuation and become “classical”?
No it doesn´t, unless we start to categorize it. All problems arise when we start “classifying” the moment. To paraphrase your words:
What´s more important? The child – taking some nonsensical tones on a piano –, or a symphony by Beethoven? If we are sane, we wouldn´t give a damn about Beethoven´s music and rejoice in those few tones of the child.
It is all about this: a child tinkling – which is the metaphor for the joy of Now – or Beethoven which means tradition. Tradition versus now. Tradition killing us systematically…
Beetheven´s music (tradition) suffocating our soul (our graceful Now)…
WE TRANSFORM THE MOMENT INTO “CLASSICAL” BEFORE IT HAS A CHANCE TO BE ALIVE. Living is therefore “possessing” for most humans, that´s why they are afraid of Now. Most people have no real life, due to being possessed by the culture..
So yes, in this perspective, – with few exceptions like Prokofiev, Stravinsky or Scriabin – I find Western music from Bach on, incredibly tedious and redundant. The heart beats now, and our music turns this now into preposterous abstraction. And of course, ABSTRACTION IS HEARTLESS as it tries to reach the timeless through thought patterns. The intention is positive yet the outcome disastrous.
As a final word:
A great zen flute player was once invited to perform at the court of some Chinese Emperor. So there was the musician in the front of the noble audience. He takes his flute, blows one single tone, bows and leaves. Nobody heard from him ever since. .
2012/09/22 3 Comments