The mirrorless Self

In my last post I wrote this :

“It is a hard task for me to put in words what THE SOUL WHISPERS  but my reason doesn´t fully understand.”

It means that there is some kind of inner authority within myself, whose voice I sometimes hear, and from which I learn.

As it were, I don´t hear it when I am restless, agitated or too keen to hear it.

What is this “too keen to hear, to have or be something?” As I can clearly see it, it means that if I want something badly, I will only get the reverse of my wish. The stronger the wish, the greater the distance between me and the “wished-for” reality, or experience.

 If I was to be asked what is the most important thing in life, I would answer undoubtedly: meaningful relations.

Yes, one of my greatest priorities in life is people, encounters, dialogue. To be in the company of open, intelligent, spiritually generous, unbiased persons, is a blessing.

I have to confess, that this is exactly the thing Life has refused me along the years. Such a painful paradox: the more I looked for contact and vivid connection with others, the more distance I created and the more lonely I became.

God, how I suffered because of this…Especially knowing that I have a lot to give, being always genuinely interested to understand “the other”, trying to create nearness and confidence.
I would instead attract all kind of callous, vain, vindictive cowards, who misused my interest and attention, taking without giving something back.

You could meet these persons once, to realize that next time you saw them, they would pretend they don´t know you.

So what was the lesson the Universe was so harshly teaching me?

Reaching the point of utter despair, I became aware of this hardly digestible truth:


This raises a very essential and vital question:


I wouldn´t dream of wasting time with unfruitful ruminating. It is clear that contact with Self, is contact with everything! It appears that only Self is Reality, both mirror and mirror-less.

I was forced to understand this hard lesson of turning to mySelf, to the most important authority within: the connection with this timeless inner Voice.

I still fall into the trap of looking outside for company, being the victim of my own sorrow that not more people are interested to communicate.

Yesterday I went to my usual cafe, feeling again that well-known state of despondency. I opened my blog, reading and learning from my last post and SUDDENLY, I was seized with peace and ease. I was again feeling alive and satisfied,
It was weird and confusing to observe how people around got curious and noticed my presence out of the blue, while I was totally uninterested of what was going on around me.

To conclude.

The only real authority to be trusted is contact with the Inner Voice. Contact with Self heals us from sadness, craving and false dependence. Hence, Desire is the best sign we are out of touch with this nameless Center within.

Desire – that is, too big the passion – without connection with Self  is unspeakable pain, wretchedness.

Our desires have a chance to come true only when we are in touch with the Center of our being. Contact with Self is the soothing caress of Happiness, and the connection with it heals and opens the right doors.

Happiness without craving is the only authority to be trusted.

About julienmatei
I feel an inner urge to express what I see, to communicate and share with others all these impressions. Often the things I see are there, not yet manifest, but waiting... to be observed, talked about, and embraced. These new insights need another approach, a more vivid curiosity... Due to fear and prejudice we prefer to see only "the official" truth - but THE OFFICIAL TRUTH IS DEAD - being dead, it has nothing to give... We can continue pretending Death is fascinating or... we can take the trouble to LIVE... THE NEW has no definition yet... Again, IT requires another "perception", the courage to apprehend everything differently, from a totally new angle, with new confidence and inquisitive touch. This blog is not about interesting concepts, it is about participation... finding new solutions, inspiration, togetherness.

8 Responses to The mirrorless Self

  1. livvy1234 says:

    I, too, have been on the same self inquiry path for two decades. When I look outside myself to complete myself, it doesn’t work. Everything exists in traceless time. Part of us wants to be and live the “ideal.” But that is the sham. We are what we are in this present moment intersecting in all space and time. You are far along your path. Keep going. Learning self love is not a task for sissies. The most important relationship we need to attend to, is the the one with ourself. Yes, it is important to relate to others. Introverts do not need alot of external stimulation. We ar the creators, thinkers, artists of the beautiful, contributors to philosophy, truthseekers. Great post. You speak your truth eloquently.

  2. julienmatei says:

    Your words mean a lot. I am so grateful. Thank you!

    “We ar the creators, thinkers, artists of the beautiful, contributors to philosophy, truthseekers”

    It is heartwarming to know there is someone else on this lonely path.

    • livvy1234 says:

      Think of a bird flying into a cloud. The bird disappears. Our emotions arise and fall, come and go, one minute we feel happy, the next minute we feel resentment. Up and down,in and out, sideways, and backward…there is no sense to our emotions. They drag us around on a rope. This is called monkey mind. It is up to us to take care of monkey mind.

      Have you ever retreated at a zen center, or had a zen teacher to work with? Consider doing this. All of us zennies are working on the same stuff you are. You are NOT NUTS! Just watch your mind.

      Story: A grandmother is feeling depressed early morning. On a scale of 1-10 emotional weel being, let us say she is a number 2. She decides to call her daughter around 10 am.(reaching out externally to fix her sadness).

      She invites the grandkids over on the phone. She gets off the phone and now she is a number 5 on a scale of 1-10 emotional happiness and joy. The grandkids show up. She jumps in the pool with them and she is having a blast. She is now a 10 on the emotional happiness and joy scale of well-being. Around 2 pm she has had enough of the pool. The kids are still screaming. She gets out of the pool and sits in a lawn chair. The kids run over to her and keep bothering her for lemonade, need towels, bla bla bla. She gets real pissed. She wants to read her book. Now she is a number 1 on the emotional scale. She thinks, “Where is my daughter. She needs to take the kids off my hands. I babysat for them, and she is gone too long!!!

      LOL LOL LOL We are all f…… up! I am okay, and so are you, friend!!!! The world is nuts.

  3. julienmatei says:


    Well, the question is :

    Where to find A REAL ZEN TEACHER in this world of impostors?…

    Someone with integrity and intransigence to be trusted! You know for sure what I mean – someone genuine, someone who has no need for striving and becoming.

    Somehow I have always cherished the hope that Life will guide me.

    Maybe your question about me retreating to a zen center is a sign in this direction.

    I am based in Stockholm Sweden.

    Did you find such a location?

    • livvy1234 says:

      I use the Soto Zen Path. This path is basically “just sitting,” and experiencing what comes up for you in body and mind. Start reading about it on the web. You certainly sound like you are a meditator and do self inquiry. Here is a list I just found:

      Check out the Chapel Hill Zen Center. They are clean zen, no fooling around zen, and priests there are great. After reading some articles on their site, check out the San Franscisco Zen Center, and Tassahara Monestary. Seems to me, you are headed for the zen road. Go for it! You are not nuts.

  4. julienmatei says:

    Thank you very much!

    I know I am not crazy 🙂 That is for sure not a guarantee for happiness in a mad world.

    Since my early twenties I have been reading and taking a lot of interest in Zen. Otherwise I just followed my own way.
    I am a musician. Pianist and composer. I do paint as well and write poetry. For the time being I don´t know anylonger “what I am”, since other things make themselves known to me.

    I want to tell you that I the design of your blog is very elegant.

    I don´t want to impose, but I wonder if you have a mail address or somewhere I could write to you.
    If you want to keep your anonymity is fine, no offense.

    my mail:

    • livvy1234 says:

      Well, my mother was a painter. I am an artist of the beautiful emotionally. I do love arranging flowers. I feel it is a wonderful zen living in the moment practice. I would love to hear you play on youtube – if you have any music you did there. I just sent you an email.

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