A thought-provoking dialogue

In my opinion this is one of the most enlightening posts.


“There is a constant ache inside of me” you say…Can I, can you – venture to lovingly confront and stay with this ache without trying to flee from it…?
This burning need to be recognized as more than you are…What is this “more” about really? 

Yes, we need recognition, we need to be seen, be validated, be understood…But Who or What can validate or justify in-depth your existence but you?…


Thank you for your thought-provoking comment. I have been trying to figure out how best to explain the “more”. I guess I just don’t want to feel as if I am leading a mediocre existence. I don’t want to be mediocre period. I my life needs to mean something. Yes, I know it is selfish but when I am gone, I want to be missed. Logically I know what you say is true, no one but me should be required to justify my existence, but knowing and accepting don’t necessarily go hand in hand. It’s like when you fall in love with someone you know will never love you back. We might recognize the futility of such emotions but can’t help our feelings anyway.


You see, you are already living in constant missing. And you project this missing in others – “I want to be missed.” Bad news: it sounds cynical, but no one will miss us when gone…The issue here is that you miss yourself – you miss the real contact with the core of your being. Can you see and admit this without resistance?…
As long as we are not connected with Self we live as if already “gone” …we have been taught since time immemorial to be out of touch with Source.
We live as if being dead.
I can tell you beyond doubt: You – the real you – are anything but mediocre. Your being away from yourself is mediocre. So be mediocre – see your disconnectedness and stay with it. Accept it! If you do, you will feel something – probably even more pain, but in due time, if you don´t give in, your inner light will start shining…

When you accept the futility of the disconnected ego, you get in touch with the unshakable immediate feeling that YOU MEAN SOMETHING NOW! Tricky business….as ego wants to be in control…It wants to go on suffering, it wants to punish and be punished…it goes against common sense:

“It’s like when you fall in love with someone you know will never love you back. We might recognize the futility of such emotions but can’t help our feelings anyway”. Do you hear what you say?…
You know those emotions demean you but obstinately linger in this predicament.

You can go on suffering – as suffering is the thing we know best – creating ever more distance to yourself. That´s what most of the people do…Spend their life in futile distance.

I don´t know if you manage to hear my words. When you say that you understand “logically” it means you don´t understand at all.

If you continue to want to suffer, suffer at least consciously…

About julienmatei
I feel an inner urge to express what I see, to communicate and share with others all these impressions. Often the things I see are there, not yet manifest, but waiting... to be observed, talked about, and embraced. These new insights need another approach, a more vivid curiosity... Due to fear and prejudice we prefer to see only "the official" truth - but THE OFFICIAL TRUTH IS DEAD - being dead, it has nothing to give... We can continue pretending Death is fascinating or... we can take the trouble to LIVE... THE NEW has no definition yet... Again, IT requires another "perception", the courage to apprehend everything differently, from a totally new angle, with new confidence and inquisitive touch. This blog is not about interesting concepts, it is about participation... finding new solutions, inspiration, togetherness.

8 Responses to A thought-provoking dialogue

  1. amiasleep says:

    That was quick. Once again thank you for taking the time to respond. I suffer consciously, trust me. So here I have a counter question for you. What would you say to a person who cannot find any solid reason for dissatisfaction while feeling it acutely, who searches for something without knowing what it is?

    • julienmatei says:

      That is the hardest issue to come to terms with: to identify the seemingly un-identifiable.

      Of course we can find innumerable reasons for feeling this acute dissatisfaction; but even if we knew and could clearly define what it is we are dealing with, it would make no difference – the inner reality still remains the same, the same discontent lurks invariably, and sooner or later we would still have to face it…

      Easier said than done…I speak from own experience…

      When it finds itself in pain, the mind is hardly searching for a way out of the problem, a solution… – but every solution the mind has in store, reinforces the inner conflict, as whatever solution is within the range of “the old,” every solution is with other words, constant reiteration of ” the known”…Understand that whatever we know is old. Knowledge, and the instruments of our knowledge, – definitions, names, rules, different approaches – are dead things…

      Now – how can something old understand and validate something ever new and alive like your dissatisfaction…? Stay with my words for a second…and ponder…

      It boils down to this: The mind is frantically searching to solve the problem It itself has created. It is like quenching the fire with fire. Attempting intensely to solve the problem means wanting to escape the problem…

      So I come back to my initial question:

      “Can I, can you – venture to lovingly confront and stay with this ache without trying to flee from it…?”

      Staying with this ache in full awareness and non-selective Presence, is to be with the problem,
      sincerely and indiscriminately connecting to it, living with it, loving it like a wounded child…In due time, when understanding that it is no point in fleeing, you will hear something…Something like a whisper from inside, something very subtle which will give you spontaneous answers…It can be very simple things… – out of this intimate contact, the most common things will feel like wondrous novelty – a step, a glance, drinking a glass of water…it doesn´t matter what…

      Don´t have any expectations yet, follow the process step by step for the time being.
      After you have acquired the skill of unconditional inner listening, you will know undoubtedly what it all is about…

      Don’t see your dissatisfaction like an impediment, – even if it´s hard – consider it your potential!

      Let me know if my words reach you.

      Ps I like the picture from your avatar. Did you paint it?

      • amiasleep says:

        I am not sure whether it is even possible to lovingly confront an “ache”, but I will keep what you have said in mind. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. That was quite generous of you. And yes, my avatar is an oil pastel drawing I did of some picture I found on the internet, in fact all the visuals in my blog are mine. They are yet another secret outlet *wink. I am glad you like it (*smile).

      • julienmatei says:

        It is possible to lovingly confront the ache, but to do that requires great courage, sincerity, presence…yes, patience…

        I speak from experience:

        Sometimes the pain is unbearable – as the inner tension – as you said – it kind of makes you implode. Writing is good. ALSO, we may need help from a professional therapist.

        But no matter how big the help from someone else, it´s finally up to us to confront the inner pain and suffering…It is problematic, cause when we delve deep into ourselves, there we find all the collective sorrow too…If we manage to heal, we heal automatically the age…Not easy…

    • julienmatei says:

      …So you painted it…seeing your picture confirmed what I thought and detected before: you are beyond doubt a talented person. Stay and live with your pain, becaue it is your guide just now – in due time it will show you who you are:)

      I am a painter – among other things – so I know what I talk about: Your picture is great. Put your “missing” and yearning into your art, and so you won´t be needing to be “missed” anymore…;)



      PS How old are you?

      • amiasleep says:

        I don’t know if I am talented or not, but just the same, I thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. I would love to see your work and return the compliment someday.

        I already gleaned from some of your posts that you are a concert pianist (that is really cool by the way) I am quite curious about the “other things”, care to enlighten me? (*smile)

        As for my age, on paper I am 31, mentally I oscillate between 18 and a 107 (*smile). How old did you think I am?

        P.S. How old are you?

      • julienmatei says:

        You really managed to put a big smile on my face – you oscillate between 18 and 107. Not 106 – mind you – but 107. 107 means 8.

        Does 8 mean anything special for you?…

        It´s good that your psychological age starts from 18. I thought you were somewhere in your 20 twenties. As for me, things are more “complex”: I am 49 now but next year I will turn 5. 🙂 Unfortunately, I was never allowed to be 5,
        my parents turned me into an adult quite early.

        So first now I get in immediate dialogue with this 5-year-old boy who´s so wise, playful, creative and free. I learn how to listen to his wonderful whims, to look to whatever beautiful details he wants to show me, to observe life his way – even if many times it feels preposterous for “the adult me”- yes… to start again. I let him be my real guide.

        You come to the point of parenting yourself if you want to put all conditioning behind you.

        Well, I am a composer as well, I write (as you see) poems and essays, in fact, I am a life-watcher… In due time I will be some kind of guide for people who really wanna live…God knows what other things I may discover about me from now on… letting this boy speak…

        Where are you based?

        PS if you feel more comfortable you may write to julienmatei@yahoo.com

  2. julienmatei says:

    I´ll give it a thought and get back.

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