Whatever you suppress in your inner life will be played out as Destiny

She:
Yes, your words do make sense, however I find it hard to relax and surrender. I am about to turn 24 this weekend, I am out of Post Grad school, in a new job and I burden myself with the responsibilities of my parents and my home. I feel I am duty bound to be happy and lively for the sake of others, like I don’t have time for my sorrow. I have to learn things at my job, do well, be fast, be up and about and all the while be cheerful and active…while in reality my mind wants to drown itself in whatever I am feeling today, stay indoors, cry, sit silent…but I can’t. Hence I end up telling myself “tomorrow you have to get better”.

I hate this conscious vacillation of emotions…but I have made myself believe that I can’t afford the luxury of surrendering to my depressed mind.

I don’t know what will be the result of my surrendering to depression, to this state of my mind. But I am truly scared of it now because I don’t know if I let myself fall, how if at all I will ever, come back up to the surface. 

I hate this conscious vacillation of emotions…but I have made myself believe that I can’t afford the luxury of surrendering to my depressed mind.

Me:
“I am duty bound to be happy and lively for the sake of others, like I don’t have time for my sorrow.”- you say.

You see, I am far from giving you advises. Depression is an insidious process. It worsens, unless you consider it with loving attention. The thing is though that if you don´t have time for your sorrow now and deliberately postpone it, at some point, it will force you to take time and heed it. The more you flee, the more vehement it becomes.

Whatever you suppress in your inner life will be played out as Destiny around you.

The more you overlook the unpleasant emotions, the more complex and difficult to handle they will be, as they will sink into your subconscious mind, enhancing the gap within…

To the extent you can, think a little more of yourself. Put your predicament on the first place, because if you get in real trouble, nobody will be able to help – as most of the psychologists or psychiatrists today are afraid of courageously delving into these levels of the soul, impartially and professionally shedding light on the problem. That because they all suffer from the same disease – like most people today.

You say:

“I don’t know what will be the result of my surrendering to depression. I am truly scared of it now because I don’t know if I let myself fall, how if at all I will ever, come back up to the surface.”

Now – you may realize that it is the fear within you saying these words. It is this Fear which is afraid to look into its own nature, and lose the control over you.

You see, there are regressive levels within us which are not very pleased if we recover. These energies are very sneaky, as your success to get well is their failure, and your failure to recover from depression is their success.

So…this is what I can share with you, hoping you will hear with the heart.

About julienmatei
I feel an inner urge to express what I see, to communicate and share with others all these impressions. Often the things I see are there, not yet manifest, but waiting... to be observed, talked about, and embraced. These new insights need another approach, a more vivid curiosity... Due to fear and prejudice we prefer to see only "the official" truth - but THE OFFICIAL TRUTH IS DEAD - being dead, it has nothing to give... We can continue pretending Death is fascinating or... we can take the trouble to LIVE... THE NEW has no definition yet... Again, IT requires another "perception", the courage to apprehend everything differently, from a totally new angle, with new confidence and inquisitive touch. This blog is not about interesting concepts, it is about participation... finding new solutions, inspiration, togetherness.

5 Responses to Whatever you suppress in your inner life will be played out as Destiny

  1. Yes you are right Julien. These negative emotions, if not dealt with, will only grow stronger and will inevitably come to the surface sooner or later. It is nature’s way of balancing out the psyche.
    I know some people who have suffered terribly when later in their lives these suppressed emotions forced themselves against their will to the surface. It is a living hell, and I believe that is
    what hell is,,,,,all those nasty things we did not face in life.

    • julienmatei says:

      It is – as they say – wisdom to learn from other people´s “mistakes”.

      Like you, I refer here to people I knew or know whose shadow forced upon them eventually, and they suffered terribly. A living hell as you put it… – Some of them died in horrendous torment…Awful.

      So I watched all this and learned…- unlike the majority of people, who don´t, – or simply refuse to understand that you cannot flee.

      So there nothing to postpone. We have to plunge into it with no delay.

      And the paradox is that if you do, although the confrontation is paistakingly difficult, right after, the award is huge: Great Peace, Clear Vision…Ease and Joy. Rest.

      • Casey says:

        “The thing is though that if you don´t have time for your sorrow now and deliberately postpone it, at some point, it will force you to take time and heed it. The more you flee, the more vehement it becomes.”

        Oh, do I ever know this.

        I had been scared when I was younger to go for therapy. I mean, I wanted it, was in and out of therapy for a little while, but was terrified mostly of being judged crazy and medicated or, worse yet, maybe hospitalized.

        I was very guarded in my early attempts at therapy. I didn’t know how much was safe to reveal. So, I got very little out of it.

        And I forged on. I pulled myself out of a very difficult situation at home and closed off to my sorrow. I always remembered what happened, but I deflected my pain with humor. I could laugh at how terrible my family treated me. I couldn’t really feel the…well…the horror of what I experienced in my formative years.

        I couldn’t touch that pain for years, and, what’s more, I ended up repeating the original traumas in new relationships.

        And it all started coming out when I had my third child. I couldn’t hold it in any longer as my own children triggered long ago pain.

        A long process of…well…hell ensued, though I tried really hard to keep it together. Things got so much worse. My nervous system is pretty much fried, I nearly destroyed my marriage, but fortunately, I am making great strides in recovery, I think.

        I have been in therapy the past few years, but basically, I’d been studying psychology on my own so much for the past few years that I know more psychology than my therapists and even brought things with me that they could learn about. One of my therapists was a former opera singer and she was also a mother to a young child. So she could relate to being a creative type as well as a mother. Her Ph.D was on beauty in the therapeutic process. She let me read it. That was pretty neat. Her whole concept was about looking for and using beauty (art, music, whatever) to help lift up our spirits and help us heal. It was quite a beautiful thing. She was a humanistic psychologist and she had experience with trauma – she had given me a session of EMDR (eye movement desentization and re-processing). Very client-centered. She also gave me some resources about Eastern spirituality and alternative healing because I was just starting to learn about it, and, well, believe it or not, conscious sexuality. It really was great to talk about female sexuality in an open and uninhibited fashion and actually have some resources to explore about that. I thought it was one of the best things ever. It’s just too bad I had to stop seeing her.

        I wish…so much…that I had invested more time in me when I was younger, before I had kids. I ended up causing myself and others so much more harm by waiting.

        So, yes, Julian, you are spot on.

  2. Antonio Dias says:

    A simple way to visualize this can happen when we find we are angry. We project this hurtful feeling, this cause of fear onto someone, or something. This places anger “out there,” in the world. When, if we were to look at our anger as a sign of some dissatisfaction, some disequilibrium within us. Something we would be aware of tacitly and deal with as-a-matter-of-fact, IF we allowed the discomfort to remain with us instead of projecting it or repressing it. Suspending our reaction allows our organism, the cosmos/intelligence, to confront it and bring us to an actual point of change. This change does not happen out of striving or wishing or willing to change out of a fearful, angry position. It happens as we access tacit knowledge and it works through us and upon us.

    Good to see you approaching the question of depression with such intelligence and compassion.

    • julienmatei says:

      Antonio,

      This is “spot on”:

      “Suspending our reaction allows our organism, the cosmos/intelligence, to confront it and bring us to an actual point of change. This change does not happen out of striving or wishing or willing to change out of a fearful, angry position. It happens as we access tacit knowledge and it works through us and upon us.”

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