I find myself trying to find myself a lot lately (more than usual). Sometimes what lies within can often be too frightening to deal with. What if I look within myself and realize there’s nothing? What if I’m just as vapid as the next person? I know you dislike fear of any kind but sometimes a healthy dose of fear is the only thing keeping me sane.
Replace “trying” with “resisting.”
“I find myself trying to find myself a lot” means actually “I find myself resisting and thwarting myself a lot lately” – of course, due maybe to your present predicament, “more than usual”…
Being afraid of what lies within you, you “deal” with it through escaping it…through defending yourself, creating an ever-growing division inside of you, indeed, a greater and greater gap between what you term as You now, and the “afraid you” you want to flee from…
Can you see this?…It is of no avail if I say all these things without your readiness to explore this along with my words.
Now…Facing fear is anything but easy – it “can often be too frightening to deal with” – undoubtedly true.
But if you stop trying to “deal” with it, that is, to rationalize it, maybe – and I say maybe!! – it is not that frightening to behold Fear in the face.
Really, how can you know what lies inside of you unless you deliberately initiate exploring yourself for real? That is, exploring into the nature of Nothingness.
What if I told you that behind Nothingness, THERE IS EVERYTHING…? With “everything” I mean endless Life, Blessed Presence, Joy… For sure, you wouldn´t belive me as you have never experienced anything but your fear.
“What if I’m just as vapid as the next person?”
It is not what you want to hear, but let me point out to you, that as long as you live in fear, you will remain just as “vapid”, like everybody else…
Utterly speaking – I wonder – who is there to judge what “vapid” is except yourself?
Let me finally put it like this: Fear is basically the work of our mind. The outcome of the division of the mind.
Now please follow this: most people are insane on this planet insofar as they are the victims of their split mind. People are the slaves of their fear, slaves under their insanity.
You too in this sense. Don´t be afraid to go mad, because you are already insane.
So, if you want to “do away” with Fear and insanity, you need to do away with division. Let it all crumble: Dare be vapid. Be boring, dare be nothing special, indeed, no one. Just remain as you are: if you are afraid, be afraid, be what you are now – BE YOURSELF…and embrace yourself.
Just surrender. Surrender to what is. Surrender to all expectations of being one thing or another.
Dare to be so “insane” as to love yourself unconditionally – that is, beyond any judgement or division.