An innocence that has suffered too much too soon

These are some fragments from Monica Cassani´s article “The traumatized psyche is self-traumatizing

What was intended to be a defense against further trauma becomes a major resistance to all unguarded spontaneous expressions of self in the world. The person survives but cannot live creatively.

This incipient tragedy results from the fact that the Protector/Persecutor is not educable. The primitive defense does not learn anything about realistic danger as the child grows up. It functions on the magical level of consciousness with the same level of awareness it had when the original trauma or traumas occurred. Each new life opportunity is mistakenly seen as a dangerous threat of re-traumatization and is therefore attacked. In this way, the archaic defenses become anti-life forces which Freud understandably thought of as part of the death instinct.

The diabolical inner figure is often far more sadistic and brutal than any outer perpetrator, indicating that we are dealing here with a psychological factor set loose in the inner world by trauma — an archetypal traumatogenic agency within the psyche itself. The traumatized psyche is self-traumatizing.

Trauma doesn’t end with the cessation of outer violation, but continues unabated in the inner world of the trauma victim, whose dreams are often haunted by persecutory inner figures. The second finding is the seemingly perverse fact that the victim of psychological trauma continually finds himself or herself in life situations where he or she is retraumatized.

As much as he or she wants to change, as hard as he or she tries to improve life or relationships, something more powerful than the ego continually undermines progress and destroys hope. It is as though the persecutory inner world somehow finds its outer mirror in repeated self-defeating “re-enactments” — almost as if the individual were possessed by some diabolical power or pursued by a malignant fate.

– Donald Kalsched

 

A new way of existing

This is Thomas Ross´ amazing comment to one of my posts about depression:

“You express a central, powerful, and daunting wisdom.

To step out of the duality, the ego, to let go the sense of time, the past, the future, to lose the sense of destination, to give up hope, which after all is rooted in a yearning and looking ahead that sends us back to the duality and grasping that doomed us to start – if we live in this way, no depression, no anger, no regret, no fear.

But “daunting” because what is so simple demands such strength. Like stepping off a cliff, trusting yourself to that degree.

This is not so much a “cure” for depression as it is a way of existing in which the very idea of “depression” can have no place.”

https://julienmatei.com/2013/11/18/the-ultimate-cure-of-depression/

The ultimate cure of depression

Does is sound far-fetched? Check for yourself and reflect.

She:
I am depressed on most days and carry on with it, with no help. Some days I don’t want to get up from bed, even show my face to the world and I spend  day under the blanket. It gets too much…the meaningless and endless crying, the way food becomes revolting to my palate..But I keep hanging on, telling myself over and over again, ” Today I am feeling so weak and cornered, like I want to curl up in a dark place and die…but tomorrow I will be better, stronger and surer of myself.

I am still struggling with it. But I agree to what you wrote here, that in an attempt to heal oneself you have to get eventually enlightened. Dealing with depression is akin to a spiritual awakening for me. I am not yet there, but I have started the journey.

Me:
I so much recognize my experience in your words:

“It gets too much…the meaningless and endless crying”

It seems meaningless, but crying does help. I cried for years. I oftentimes even ran out
of tears, so harsh was the sorrow.

You say:

“Today I am feeling so weak and cornered, like I want to curl up in a dark place and die…but tomorrow I will be better, stronger and surer of myself. I am still struggling with it. “

Now, please pay attention.

Depression is ultimately inner cleavage – the direct outcome of separation. Depression is duality at work.

Time and thought creating distance from what is.

To heal means actually to suspend time and thought staying with what is, surrendering.

Thus, the greatest trial is to eliminate time, to meet and tenderly confront the pain in this moment, as if there was no tomorrow. You have to let go of trying to “be better, stronger and surer” of yourself. In fact you have to even let go of hope – I am aware this sounds truly paradoxical. That´s hard, really hard, because it´s like giving up everything – the false identity – you have been taught to believe in. It feels like dying. But that is the process I have been going through, I talk from experience.

It is overwhelming, no doubt about that, above all when you are on your own with no guidance.

Struggling “against” reinforces the pain, the separation, the inner
cleavage – unbeknownst you enhance it, creating even more distance to it.

You see, even the word “deal” loses its sense, because, after all, who is the entity
who deals…? The very entity – ego – who created the pain you are in.

“I am not yet there”, you say. Know that in this outlandish journey, there is no “there” anymore. If you want to recover, you have to bring all into Now, into Here…With other words, you have to give up time, thought and distance. Very difficult as these – time, thought and distance – are the very foundation of human identity and pursuit.

That´s Enlightenment – to give up clinging to the Known and totally surrender.

BE VERY CAREFUL, because your ego will do anything in its power to prevent you from understanding and embracing this insight.

Since I have been there and managed to come out, I might be able to help others. You may want to talk to me more.

Tell me if my words make sense to you.

Running away from gloom and lonelyness enhances your loneliness

He says:
I am undergoing an intense feeling of loneliness. Well, I am not able to relate with people around me except a very few. I find most people boring and irritating, so I run away from everybody. I feel low and gloomy if I spend time in my room for a long time.

Yet in the effort to overcome the gloomy loneliness I search again the company of others,
just to find myself avoiding them nevertheless.

What causes my lack of interest in people?

What is the major problem here?

What is the solution?

My answer:

There is no solution to the problem of loneliness:

No matter if you are among people or by yourself in your chamber, you will feel lonely.

There is no “way out” as long as you are fighting yourself: the effort to overcome the gloomy loneliness will enhance your loneliness.

You just have to lovingly stay and confront this gloomy part of yourself. On your own.
Easier said than done…Still, if you dare do this, you might be free from depression for ever – that, of course, if this is what you wish. Fact of the matter is that many people were they given the chance to recover from an illness, they would be rather reluctant, as they have built their identity on the very disease they suffer from.

Anyway, no medication, no therapy will ever help you recover for real, but your readiness to go along in-depth with your problem. That is not to say it is an easy undertaking.

You just have to have the guts of facing that big turmoil and stop running…Be with it, as if you were with a child: no complaining, no justifying, no thwarting…Eventually there is nowhere to go…- it comes a time when your soul forces you to heed yourself.

This inner conflict of yours has nothing to do with “people”. It´s not “people” you dislike, but yourself, more exactly, that wounded level within yourself…that unloved part of you…
You see, if you were well, you wouldn´t bother so much if people are boring – which they often are – that because when you are connected to your real self, you have less a need to be with people. When you are well, you don´t have any urge to flee, in order to escape yourself, as you are at ease, and home in your own body… Again, then you wouldn´t really mind how others are or aren´t…
So, forget people, the lack of interest is for yourself, for the one you truly are…Stay with what is, even if it hurts. Learn to show yourself the interest your soul craves from you.

 

The curse of social networking

This unbearable ubiquitous narcissism which disguises itself in all these tame and inane
“love and vivid interest for others”.

Interest for others…what an absurd lullaby.

Let´s face it: people don´t wish for real contact, they want you to be a mirror for their
stupid self-sufficiency – that´s the whole idea.

Really, do you love anyone but yourself?

A letter to a friend

Just a word to you.

You see, I have quite an unusual intuition, and grace to this intuition I can track the truth behind appearance.

I sense there is a big force inside of you.

Fighting against this force brings trouble, and in the long run, thwarting against your real Self, means actually depression. Society has taught us to conceal this huge life inside of us, to be ashamed of it, resist it, indeed, break ourselves to pieces, and the result is that we constantly live at the periphery of life, we live outside of ourselves.

We have been in a strenuous and continuous fight against Self. To live outside ourselves is indescribable suffering. This huge suffering is in fact depression, disease.

Know thyself means literally, come near your own Self. Stop looking for yourself in the outside – at least for a while – and try to establish the right relation to yourself. YOUR SELF. The real you. The more you pursue this natural process, the more outward evidence you will have too, that you are on the right track.

I am speaking as objectively as I can:

I saw beyond doubt in your countenance the presence of this huge intelligent force that you in fact are.

I saw also saw the huge suffering, numbness and absence. But you see,
THE REAL YOU IS THIS MAGNIFICENT FORCE,
this “round” and shining compassionate intelligence.

In you lives a great man. Honor this man. Honor this incredible wisdom that you are!

Just do it…

A meaningful dialogue about approaching depression

He says:

One of my biggest “pet peeves” (to put it nicely) is when people say “Just get over it”. I believe depression is a manifestation of much greater issues that need to be resolved. Medication may help us cope, but until we get to the core of the matter depression will always be with us. As you say, “depression is a manifestation of much greater issues that need to be resolved”

My answer:

If we want to come to grips with what depression is, we got to have the courage to examine in-depth. And alas, even the so-called great authorities on this subject-matter fail to reach the real Cause, due to fear… Indeed, we try to compensate this fear and inability to see, through medication…

So it´s kind of a very insidious and perilous journey one is pursuing…Dante had Virgil, we have no one…There is no guidance, one gropes in darkness with intuition as the only weapon…For sure, on the way one encounters scary inner realities no one wants to acknowledge or look at, things which are dismissed as far-fetched or totally phony… yet this apparent nonsense, is going to be tomorrow´s truth.

That is why I am very grateful to meet a fellow treading the same way.

Me and Paul conversing

Me:

It´s a fact – most  people try to escape depression…

Paul:

Very true you can’t escape it!

For me though, this true Self is hard to find! I am not even so sure what it Is although I feel like I (should) already know.

Me:

If I said that the true Self is there all the time, for sure, that would sound cynical and preposterous, above all in those moments when you feel nothing but pain and inner despondency.

So Self is shining, but we don´t perceive it, due to our inner blockages. These blockages derive always from the illusion of separation, separation which has been yielded to us through the mother´s milk.

This present civilization lives in the shadow of the greatest illusion: separation, isolation and alienation from Self…I said that before – you couldn´t possibly be depressed if the civilization was “sane”. It is highly diseased.
Now…
I know that you know deep down of the existence of Self… – otherwise you wouldn´t have this present correspondence with me 🙂

Another letter to Paul about healing depression

Paul,

The world and everything around you has savagely and relentlessly forced you into the erroneous picture of you being nothing more than shards.
On a real deeper level though, you are whole, complete, ONE…It is maybe a cynical thing to say, given your present situation, as you don´t have a direct experience of this immediate reality..not yet 🙂
So you have to trust me on that. 🙂 I wouldn´t dream of uttering this truth, unless I knew it for sure.

On this level where you are now, depression is undoubtedly real…For sure, depression sucks insanely, debilitating and consuming our life force…I share your feelings, and I know from own experience that sometimes you feel like putting a vehement stop to it all…

You say:

“My existence is the only “thing” that is truly mine” – without indulging in superfluous semantics, think it over: is existence mine or yours?…Stay with this thought a while…because this very misunderstanding has generated the basic incorrect picture we hold about reality.

I mentioned this earlier: do you exist or existence lives you?…If you come to an immediate understanding of the latter, you will gradually learn to let go…Indeed, to trust…

I am going into a hard one now, which seems incredibly far-fetched – in a weird way yes, we create even our physical experience, as we participate in the whole Cosmic Drama. We won´t dwell on this now though. The truth of the matter is that you have created yourself in all your aspects.

This “YOU” is where society and you as an entity meet. Paul-society and society-Paul 🙂

Depression is ultimately loss of Self…so society is thus a sum of people who are out of touch with Self…As I see, you have to learn somehow to express your loss…your depression. You´ll just recognize the proper moment if you learn to listen…Listening, will reveal what is the appropriate way for you…You are the only one to find out.
Thinking doesn´t help, trust me on that…

Part of the whole present Drama is that humans no longer have A RIGHT RELATION TO PRESENT ANYMORE…In a sort of funny way – I never put it like this – depression is absence…absence of life!! So stop trying “understanding” the present!!…- LIVE THE PRESENT THE WAY IT IS…easy to say, when the present is hell…But it is what it is – you have no other choice…

I said this and I say it again: depression is basically un-lived life!

Now, if you trust me, give up for a while this kind of fruitless speculations like ” I might be in more “trouble” if I was “happy-happy” all the time when such atrocities occur daily.”

To continue:

You ask -“Is it possible for one to be truly happy amidst all the death and destruction?”

Yes my friend IT IS POSSIBLE AND DOABLE 🙂 You might not understand my words now – but when “you will come to the point” of being ONE, – or to formulate better, when you will allow ONE to live you – you will be joyous NO MATTER WHAT. If you don´t trust me, leave this for now.

Look what you say : “… collectively and individually, I would say we ought to be at least somewhat depressed”…Aren´t we already that? Aren´t you sufficiently depressed already?

Leave aside thinking and speculating, just know: happiness is sustainable in this day and age despite all howling chaos.

Your following question is the most essential:

“What is the medication supposed to heal? What are its implications?”
You see YOU ARE THE PROBLEM AS MUCH AS THE WORLD IS THE PROBLEM. You are this world and this very age…You cannot dissociate it one from the other.
It ´s a hard one: it ´s not you or the world having the problem, it is the “wrong participation” between you and the world, which is the problem…It is Thinking which has cut us off from Feeling life´s immediate presence here and now…it sounds reductionistic, but that´s the truth…

The world is entirely a sum of different aspects of yourself! Don´t try to understand, feel instead my words!
Most of the doctors and psychiatrists are in deep problems themselves, so how can a sick person treat another one…? So here is a blatant truth: not knowing a better way, they have invented medication 😀
The medical system is bankrupt, as society for the rest – they all deal at the level of effect! Every solution invented by them, creates just another problem…

Paul, understand that there is no solution to anything, other than understanding the actual problem from inside, that is, from where you presently are… The solution is inherent in the very problem!! STAY WITH THE PROBLEM! Don´t think, cause thinking is resisting the problem, trying to get rid of it!!

You say it yourself:

“There is no doubt in my mind that until I am off the pills, and able to get “into” my Self then no meaningful or lasting healing will occur.”

Furthermore you say:

“All I know is that I am about to acquaint myself to my Self very soon”. WHAT ABOUT STARTING NOW…?It is nothing to wait, as you are here all the time you see, but this mad age has taught you that we are here sort of “later”…:)) This is really insanity in a nutshell…Procrastination…Not daring facing life now…

This is not crazy talk at all : “I have not been “me” my entire young adult life.” you say. This is sadly enough the predicament of most of the people on this planet just now… there is no “moving forward” or “past”, there are only different parts of now my friend 🙂 and NOW IS EVERYTHING THERE IS!

You have all the answers you need:

“What then, is the purpose of medicating me while the problem persists outside of me creating a perpetual dependence on something I do not need, but rather need to do without in order to work on solving the real problems?”

You do say with your words what I have been saying in this letter 🙂

Remember, it is not about something you “need to do” but something you can unreservedly observe and dwell upon with no resistance…As a final word, when you heal – if that´s what you want, you will heal the whole age.

Another word to Paul

We explore here a vast subject matter. We don´t know for sure how the mechanisms of depression really work, as very few people venture on this so risky and perilous quest for real answers. What psychiatrists usually do, they try to cope with the matter through medication – which hardly solves the real cause.

We try to find out – and in the process of finding out we can be terribly mistaken.

Thus, as I said before, the question is not “how” we deal with illusion or depression but “why”…?

It might sound strange but again, the question is:

“Why” did we ever “choose” to get depressed…? Somewhere on the road we fell victim of delusion…Unfortunately, we never realized that, and unfortunately there was no one in the nearness to help us understand, as they were victim of the same predicament…

I never thought it this way, and I am not trying to minimize the toughness of the subject, but what secret gain was there in the moment when depression began to have effect on us…?

When we find out WHY, I think HOW is going to unfold naturally.

What do you think?