A life spent in illusion is not worth living

And yet…
Deprive them of their illusions
and they’ll fucking kill you.

Do you betray or befriend yourself?

“I started the arduous journey of weaning myself from the old personal and collective myths. I started watching my desire to feel special, to be seen, acknowledged and understood, as it came up, and how I would bid or broker for attention. I found ways to see, acknowledge and understand myself. I developed my internal sense of self. My illusions got torn out of me. I grudgingly relinquished my mistaken dreams about life, one of which was that someone else could do my work for me and provide the inner landscape that I so longed for. I learned that the worst betrayal is self-betrayal. I got to know and appreciate my loneliness. I began, slowly, to trust and befriend myself.

I understood where my addictions lay. I looked at how emotions work, and triggers, and defense mechanisms, and started working with all of that consciously. I connected with my avoidance, so that I could gain more depth. I grasped how I had left my body over the course of my life and why. I came to some understanding of my instinctual self, of what I have done in my life to sell myself out, and how truth and transparency have everything to do with living true to oneself.”

– Marla Estes

Indeed so: it is a hell of a blow for each one of us to realize that nothing and no one can do the work for us and provide the longed for inner landscape. These words resonate so much with my current reflections, namely that the worst betrayal is self-betrayal…

What does it really entail to betray oneself at the end of the day?…- question which equally well, can be formulated as:

What does it entail to befriend oneself? The immediate answer which comes to mind is “connect with one´s avoidance”.

Obviously, one cannot betray oneself, live in self-avoidance, and at the same time befriend oneself…

Truth and transparency cannot coexist with Fear…

Still, this question poignantly echoes within myself:

Why was I afraid to befriend myself?

There is no one else to validate you other than you

She wrote:
“My fate is to lose in love every time. I am so confused that why it happens to me, so I asked my doctor about it. She said that there is no answer really, I just have to concentrate on my goals – to be a published author and keep on inspiring people. I sometimes feel that in inspiring others, I have lost a part of my self, especially my heart! People say, and I know that I am attractive, but my life has been in the hands of God – there is a strong sense of Destiny involved.

When I think of the future, I feel scared, I do not want a long life, I don’t want to live to a ripe old age! I feel like I am 100 years old already! The future seems hopeless, too vast, my strength is waning…”

My answer:

What is the significance of any goal whatsoever…?

Why do we generally need “goals”?

Simply put, to escape our deep dissatisfaction now.
“Goal” is the perfect means to escape this very moment.

If we were at ease, deeply contented, deeply present, we wouldn´t need “goals”,
as what is considered a goal would pretty much come by itself naturally
and gracefully.

You may be pretty much aware of this, if you are honest with yourself.

Let me put it straight, as there can be no misunderstanding as to the “rightness”
of my words:

We “lose” in love every time – failing to have fulfilling relations – because in
a sort of
weird way, we fail to love ourselves.

After all, you say it yourself: “I sometimes feel that in inspiring others,
I have lost a part of my self – especially my heart!”

It´s obviously ripe time for you to admit this truth: you are the one needing
your own attention, your own love. You need to find the deep-seated
inspiration in yourself, not outwardly.

When we use words like “God” or “Destiny”, they are in fact not real, as we but
tend to project are fears, shortcomings and illusions in these words.
Life has no “preferences”. Ultimately what we call God is
Universal Presence – Love with other words. If Love is free, how can it then
have any expectation on you?…

Back to the root question, the most difficult one:

How can you validate yourself? How can we love ourselves when no one has ever taught us how to really do it…?

Really, do we want to play hide and seek or do you want to love and be loved…?

The question here is: how can we awake our heart from being numb…?

Cause if our hearts are numb, we will meet other numb hearts.We have the answer in our sorrow: we have to heal through lovingly accepting our pain, acknowledging our present predicament. As long as we flee our pain, the bigger it becomes.

Usually, you are afraid of the future because your past is unresolved. And being
unresolved, it kills your Now, making you fear the future – the future not being more
than the projection of the past.

Bottom line:

Accept your pain and hardships cause there´s the answer to your life.

Julien – the Illusion Conqueror

Hi monsieur conqueror d’illusion,

How far have your efforts succeeded to become a child again?

Have You stopped reading?
Have You stopped playing the piano?
Have You stopped to listen to classical music?


Great questions.

My ego did whatever it could to choke The Beautiful Child in me. But this once so fragile and vulnerable child has won the victory. It has gone through thousands of deaths. Yet… It was so strong in its “fragility” so it showed to be absolutely and irresistibly unstoppable.

So now I can say:

I have stopped reading but still read sometimes. I find great pleasure in writing though 🙂 Uttering these words to you now, feels great.

I have stopped playing the piano, but now Piano is playing me. So wonderful…

When it comes to music, with very few exceptions, I can´t listen to it anymore. It is a total nuisance, especially classical music which bores me to death.
( Please don´t say that to all connoisseurs and music professors 😀 😛 )


I only listen to the fabulous music within me.

Yes, I have started to compose like a fury – from the most simple, innocent dainty and delicate sounds to absolute powerful, corybantic ecstasy.

You can imagine what it is in-between 🙂


1. I won’t tell anybody about your attitude towards classical music :-)
2. I share your opinion about that.
3. Writing here give me great pleasure, too. The bad thing is that it takes a lot of time. Time which I should use to earn money, somehow. But still, I can’t stop writing – although I can reduce a bit …… only a bit.
4. I feel kind of distorted when it comes to reading. On the one hand I’d like to skip all gaining of knowledge. On the other hand I find those wonderful and enlightening sentences of Eckhart Tolle. It’s obvious that if I hadn’t have read Tolle, Krishnamurti, Brahm it would have taken some more years or even decades until my finding out about all those circumstances and relationships between me and the universe.
How about you?

(To be continued) 🙂

A moment of epiphany

As I was coming out of the subway yesterday, I had something like a revelation, stopped in the middle of the street and wrote this:

When illusions die, it feels really like homecoming…there is nowhere to go as you are home everywhere in every moment, second by second…In those peaceful moments you kind of “don´t exist” anymore, but instead, “you are being existed”…I am aware that this sounds mighty strange, but when the usual sense of I-ness has vanished, you feel so incredibly real…

Desire is gone, – what an immense relief – …craving likewise, you just look at Life and smile in some kind of amused equanimity, participating in the Cosmic drama, but secretly knowing that you´re not entirely part of it – as if you´re both witnessing and being witnessed…and none of it…

There is no effort anymore, no choice, but a rather “strange” unutterable state of “non selectiveness” which is totally beyond “No”… – very weird what I say now …it feels as if “No” doesn´t really exist  – but a state which is intrinsically a magnificently pervasive YES…

I was somehow baffled to realize that in this “non abiding”, there were no goals left…That goes against all the ubiquitous stupid “goal-setting” everybody takes as the Sacred Word. What goal, when Goal had reached you seamlessly, and you could reach out to it, easily accomplishing whatever you set your mind to…

This blessed grace stayed with me for half an hour or so…till my former I-ness returned again…

Alas, my ego…which still outwits me, still playing tricks on me…

Challenge your mind

Mind is the outcome of conflict, of resistance. It always wants supremacy, it always wants to be “right”,  whatever it does, is to defend itself, to protect its lies.

The mind hates genuine encounters as its main interest is control. The truth is indigestible for the mind, it always deviates, struggling hard for its illusions.

Mind can never understand Being !

Ultimately it hates Life, because it realizes that Life ever undermines its control and false supremacy.