I am at a crossroad no longer knowing where to

I´m in a kind of hopeless predicament:

Two years ago I started this so-called blog. During this time, I have toiled enormously, investing all my knowledge and skills, trying to bring about another “breath” of newness. I wanted to create a forum for dialogue, a place for meaningful exchange and interaction. For the time being, I am face to face with the realization that my belief to create a new context of unbiased openness and honesty, is but a childish dream.

I seem to have failed in my pursuit. I no longer see any point in continuing with Mirrors of Encounters.

It is impossible to go on with something that is not appropriately understood and reciprocated. It is like spreading precious water in the sand.

It seems that for the time being, the only one I should give things to, is myself. People sneak into my posts but don´t really get what I write about. If they did, more force and enthusiasm would come back to me. But it doesn´t. I kind of conjure up only my energy and wisdom to find myself kind of drained after. IT IS NOT RIGHT TO GIVE WITHOUT ENDORSEMENT.

It feels that I cannot continue spreading this valuable information for free. It is strange, but unless people pay for something, they don´t evaluate it. No matter that whatever I write about is said by Krishnamurti or others who “understood”, I DON´T FEEL HEARD.

Indeed, if what I write about would have been said by Jesus or Tolle or whoever,
you would probably believe it.

But since I am (only) Julien Matei, it is not thoroughly convincing.

Anyhow, I can take this solitude, but after writing and giving my all in these posts here I kind of feel even more “lonely”, yes, a sort of unpleasant solitude. Really, without any real feedback you cannot possibly continue.

People claim they want to change, prosper and heal. Reality is that most of us like things the way they are. This is a rather sad truth, but it has to be said:

There is no one to blame, this world looks the way it does cause – let´s face it! – WE SECRETLY LIKE THE WAY THINGS ARE. THIS WORLD IS THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE JUST NOW. A sum of our fears, cowardice and lack of real expression. Nothing more or less.

People indulge in their sloth, love their failing, love conflicts, love their disease, suffering seems to be their main motivation. Whatever other things they say about Peace, Real Success, Togetherness, is but pure literature. Fiction. Childhood stories to appear interesting and make a nice impression and have something to talk about.

Really, despite my love to write and sharing, I am facing a hard decision…

To continue writing here, or not…

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Being courteous can sometimes be fatal

Some two weeks ago, I was sitting and writing at a cafe. A guy I know came to me and invited me over to his table, he was sitting together with his son.

I declined politely, I was in no particular mood for conversation being absorbed in my ideas.

So he stood by my table a little while and we changed a few words though. He told me about his son. The young man, I found out, was autistic. Very special. He could play the piano well, and had an incredible memory. It was enough for him to hear whatever tune, and he would just play it right away.

“You know”, he went on, ” he has also this amazing capacity – he feels people instantly. If he detects any negativity, he refuses to talk, he just walks away.” I admit, he sparked my interest. I was curious to see how the guy would react to my presence. As I felt how my inspiration had faded, and as they also were about to leave, I told him I could just come over to their table and greet his son.

The son was anxiously sitting waiting for his father. “This is Julien Matei, a friend of mine, he is also a pianist, I just wanted you to say hello.” Out of the blue, the young man raised brusquely from his chair, looking angry and conspicuously disturbed. His attitude was anything but equivocal:

“No, I don´t want to talk to you, go to hell, leave me alone!” he shouted.
“Yes…but Julien is a friend, he is nice…” tried the father…
“God damn it, don´t you hear, I want to go home!”

At first I was taken aback by his vehement response. It was fiercely unfriendly and
ill-mannered. But…

I LOVED IT!

Really…I had never witnessed a more atrociously true demeanor. Uncouth yes,
but unambiguously frank…Rarely did someone move me the way this autistic boy did. What a lesson of dignity and integrity…

My parents – especially my mother – brought me up to be nice and amiable with everybody. But this undifferentiated courtesy of mine has throughout my life been perversely inappropriate – a jinx really.

This inadequate politeness has been really disastrous. It has made that I allowed different bastards to use and take advantage of my friendliness and benevolence. I should have walked away instantly many times. But being taught to be courteous, I have wasted precious time with different people who just deserve a healthy, liberating and prompting FUCK OFF or GO TO HELL.

It would have been much more dignified, fair and emotionally correct.

But finally… – this autistic boy has taught me the right lesson.

What about you…?

I do not claim, I am really Julien Matei.
And you…?

Who do you claim to be?…

A conspicuous fact

Evil is running away from evil.

Who do we become in true relation to one another?

Richard and Paul were commenting and discussing about a vital topic, read their dialogue if you like: https://julienmatei.com/2012/09/29/so-sad-or-not/#comment-2597

Here is my answer to them.

You seem to do all right in your dialogue without my involvement. :) You maybe are interested to take over Mirrors of Encounters too. It would be quite fun I think ;;)

Anyway, let´s put like this – can anything exist in separateness at all?…Hence, who is this Julien Matei? Is Julien a separate entity? Is he an outcome of total relationless-ness? Or is he a product of different other societal factors, relations, events, people, frictions, dreams and projections?…

Again, is relationless-ness – let´s say, total isolation – a reality…? Is “I” a reality per se, or can it only exist in relation to everything there is?…

Let´s ponder: Where does an entity begin and where does it end?…

So who is Julien when he writes to Paul? Who is Paul when he connects in vivid dialogue with Richard?

Who is Richard when we interact in this uncommon way…? Who do we become, Paul, Julien and Richard – not necessary in this order – when we meet here in this discussion?

If we manage to authentically meet each other in these insights, we realize that the precise entity of Richard, Julien and Paul becomes rather irrelevant. Irrelevant in the sense that none of us remains the same, but each of us grow – hopefully!! – if we allow ourselves to be just little “irrelevant” for a change, and kind of get nourished by the energy of this dialogue we create together.
To grow is to dynamically give up boundaries,- the limited I-ness – and when we have the courage to “lose” ourselves, we come to the understanding that it is fear we let go of, and not our specific identity.

Only fear tries to make sure of its “fixed” identity. Fear tries to “emulate” or not emulate others in order to escape its paradoxical nature – that is, through escaping itself, Fear fiercely struggles to contain itself, to remain the same. Strange but true…Yes, Fear is isolation. I-ness is the derivative of isolation. Only fear can exist in perfect relationlessness. Its worst menace – I am sure you will find this strange – is authentic relation, cause in dependable relation Fear fears its disappearance…

Real Joy created out of togetherness knows no boundary…it explodes indiscriminately in all simultaneous spaces. Thus entity becomes entities, and entities entity…

In this immediacy, we come to the understanding that boundary means possession and in Joy all boundaries dissolve, as Joy cannot possess as there is nothing to possess…Joy is eternal space, reality beyond reality…

Can we see that we are unique but together…? Together but unique…:)