Passion and Truth are too disturbing

I entered the subway. There were no vacant places, so I sat down next to a girl you couldn´t possibly ignore.
And yet, that´s what I did, knowing how arrogant and obnoxious good-looking women often are, I turned my back on her, writing what I had in mind for the moment, feeling at ease, managing to catch my idea.
Here is what I wrote:

“The so-called modern mind is eternally occupied. An occupied mind is unspeakably mechanic and redundant, totally uncreative, self-absorbed, blind, and yes… – impotent. This witless mind is always aroused, greedy and horny for pleasure, but only on a mental level – passion and emotional fulfillment being to it like dawn to a vampire.
Any spontaneous, genuine and undaunted feeling is its greatest threat.

It never participates, it refuses to hear, to see, eventually, it refuses to live.”

Finishing my text, I was looking to a woman sitting on the other side at my right. The air around her felt unsettling, she had a pale and wearisome countenance. Rather insipid a person, but there was something about her absent-looking eyes which drew my interest, so I started sketching her.

Being almost done with my drawing, I felt how the hot girl beside me was watching interestedly my last ink lines.

– Exciting huh …?
– Really, a very nice drawing, she said intrigued.

She was sexy. Rather corpulent, but very attractive. You could feel her presence, her strong libido.
She wore a short skirt, she was generously displaying her thighs.
What a sight…you could besiege her on the spot.
She went on:

– Impressing what a beautiful handwriting you have.
– Thank you!… Do you also paint?
– Yeah, actually I do.
– What…? People?…
– Everything… Why limit myself to only painting people? she said almost irritated.
– You mean that man is no longer interesting, a desirable subject to approach?…
– There are other things more interesting than man.
– Like what…?
– Everything else…Anyway, she went on, WHAT WERE YOU WRITING THERE…? I hardly understand a thing…she leaned towards my sketch pad trying to decipher my writing about “modern mind”.

– Well, about things we don´t usually talk about. About…

Instantly, before finishing the sentence, I felt how she flinched, startled. She cut me off at once – she kind of felt tacitly that what I had just written, would have been too much for her to hear.

– Truth is disturbing, isn´t it?… You´re afriad to hear what I wrote.
– Well…I prefer lies. Yes, truth is too disturbing. Disagreeable and often offensive. We´ve been lying for so long, at least for 50 years now
– 50 years or 2000 years…?
– Well, whatever…YOU HAVE TO LIE IF YOU WISH TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH PEOPLE. That is our way to communicate. Our prevalent code.
I couldn´t believe my ears.

– Do we really have to…? What a waste of time. Why should I lie, I have not time for lying.
– Yes, but that is how we have become accustomed to live – through lies. I was dumbfounded:

“I know that I live in mendacity but I will continue to lie”, that´s what she basically said.

I was almost reaching my station.

– Can´t we fucking break this custom for a change? We could continue this discussion on another occasion. Besides you are a painter, can´t we get together some time
– How can I go out with you, you are a stranger…?
– You do claim you are an artist. What kind of artist are you if you don´t dare taking any risk?
– Well, I don not know who you are…
– No my dear, you don´t know WHO YOU ARE. If you did, you would see me exactly the way I am. YOU JUST SEE YOUR FEARS IN ME. For the record, I don´t know who you are either, you can be a dangerous rapist.

I had managed to put a smile on her face.

– I maybe am, who knows?… she went on. For sure, she was seemingly horny but awkwardly repressed.
– I think you are, but have a hard time to admit that, I said facetiously. I think you have a powerful energy of sorts..
– What do you mean by that? She knew exactly what I meant, but was pretending not to understand.
– You kind of emanate vigour, a strong feminine impetus. She was evidently intrigued as I could clearly sense that.
I can give you my card, I told her. Let´s meet up some time, I am sure we can inspire each other, can´t we…?
– We´ll see…You can give me your card. She had already started to think.
– Let´s drop it. I had taken out a visit card, but promptly put it back in the wallet. There was no meaning in giving her that. She was too timorous – too afraid to live.

The train was reaching my station.

– I will get off now.
– Have a nice evening!
– I don´t need a nice evening, I already have a good time.

Yes my friends, this is the moral:

Most of the people are very much aware of their lies. They very well know their life is a sham and total pretense and yet continue with this dire way of “living”. If everybody lies, I lie. If everybody around fails to have a life, I better fail too. It is democratic.

Why allow myself feel, be alive, unfold my passion, relying on my joy…? I choose to distrust myself and others, I choose to disrupt and thwart against any natural urge, desire and nearness – I know I am a coward, but I intend to remain one.

Cowardice is our chosen share. Distress, unfulfillment and unhappiness is most people´s conscious choice.

Such people, such society.


The loudspeakers dream

People “know” too much. They become the slaves, and – more often than not – the victims of their “knowledge”. To such an extent that you can´t possibly reach them. Everything they consider becomes automatically “old”, turned into “own reference”, so you mostly become a non reference to them, or – in most cases – a part of their narrow and insidious projection: “What is not part of my interest doesn´t exist.”

What an incredible mechanic and boring life…How can they put up with themselves, repeating on and on and on the same inane patterns, the same idiosyncracies, the same idiotically foreseeable demeanor…?

God damn it, you have the distinct impression that in most cases you no longer deal with people of flesh and blood but with fucking loudspeakers…

To a certain extent I can put up with the ignorant “loudspeakers”, my greatest problem are
the so-called well-read loudspeakers. They are the most despicable nuisance – the trustworthy authority, the “knowers”.

They “know” everything, they write books, they are up to date, well-informed, powerful. In their mental vocabulary, “new” or “spontaneous” has been eliminated. Relinquished. Nothing exists except their scientifically proven bullshit. Hence, Life is nothing but a meaningless series of obsessively abstruse conditioning. “Our nightmare is your truth.”

Indeed, Truth for them is superstition. Passion and genuine emotion – uncivilized and disturbing behaviour.


You don´t exist for most of the people unless you become yourself an ingratiating liar, unless you find a twisted way to intrigue and baffle their ego. “If you want to make it, either you have to feed them, shock them or make them laugh” said Oscar Wilde. He knew what he said.

Natural conduct, simplicity, warm feeling is outmoded.

To discuss, question, discover “another way” is out of the question. THEIR ONLY INTEREST IS TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE RIGHT.

Everybody has become a “scientist” today. No matter how distorted their opinion,
“what I know is the only truth, my point of view is unquestionable, my frantic stupidity is Law.”

We call ourselves modern. In a way we´re right. For sure, we are modern inasmuch as
Stupidity and Prejudice have never been so pervasive, all-pervading and ubiquitous.

Yes my friends, middle ages were heaven compared to this. These times are the real Dark Ages.

Only the aware and spiritually fittest will escape…

Truth is not relative!

“Truth is relative, this may be your truth, but mine is different”…
You hear this everywhere, meaning  that “truth is my self-deceit, self-deceit is my identity and my hardly acquired point of view; I can kill for my unimpaired and unassailable illusion, for WHO AM I WITHOUT MY SELF-DECEIT…- so you better watch out and not interfere with my point of view, cause “your truth” is a direct threat to my delusion…”

No, Truth can never be mine or yours, It cannot be possessed, It is consequently never a viewpoint…Whatever viewpoint you hold, means that you are possessed by your illusions. This is a hard one to digest, I am aware of this.

We must have the courage to confront and question whatever point of view – good or bad – which, alas, appears to be the hardest trial for each and every one of us.

We cannot understand Truth – or Life – through the filter of Illusion, that’s for sure. It requires incredible strength, finesse, vivid intelligence, readiness and huge willpower to question our issues and illusions, cause it is each and everyone’s self-deceit and illusory clinging, which turns Reality into Illusion – Life becoming no more than futile deception, a constant reason for conflict within and between us.

Who am I without my lies?

Being the one who calls things by their name, is a thankless task. Society and average man live in untruth and deceit, so when an honest man expresses a true version of the state of things, he is instantly attacked, scolded and demeaned.

“Honest, spontaneous and natural expression is anarchic, it has to be banned, it is a horrid threat to our meanness and hypocrisy”, that´s what the system thinks.
We could ask Hitler and Stalin to see what their comment would be about this, but we don´t need to go that far.

Common man is deep inside aware of his lies and falsehood. For sure, bigotry and untruth is his daily bread. So when someone uncovers his vicious reality, he becomes furious.


 “I know that I am lying, falsehood though is my secret and my livelihood – but how do you dare questioning “my truth”, how do you have the nerve to show me what I refuse to see?…

How dare you show your natural feelings, when the only thing I know is to repress my conscience and emotions…? Deep inside I am aware I live a life of fraud and compromise, you commit the crime of making me realize what I already know.

I know that I am wrong, I am just the innocent victim of my lies, but this is my identity I worked hard to maintain; I  AM NOTHING WITHOUT MY DECEIT, I can´t stand truth, it is depressing and uncomfortable…

I am a respectful citizen, my virtue is my neurosis, I choose not to live, so I advise you do the same. It is not more than fair – if I don´t live, you are not supposed to live either. We are all equal, we are democratic.”

Recognize this…?