You think you understand it, but eventually you haven´t got a clue…

Life is an inscrutable Mystery.


Why do they quash their emotions?

Truth is that I can take more inspiration watching a sparrow, or observing in great detail the shades of light and shadow, than being together with people…It is rather sad, because genuine togetherness is a blessed thing…

Unfortunately, people in the West deliberately lead a boring and terribly shallow life, keeping at due distance anything that even slightly reminds them of a truly lived life…

Life is a wonder, but they simply discard this simple but overarching truth…

I am truly baffled. Such a conundrum:

How it is possible to vehemently refuse to be moved and so stubbornly and methodically shun aliveness?

Dire analogies

Long story short:

My father managed to fuck up and steal my Now, inflicting nothing but fear, frustration and guilt on me. His fierce and unblessed conduct has affected me for life: Wasted years of shattering loneliness, huge pain, confusion. Unbeknownst he turned me into the depositary of his vengeance and aggressive madness.

Years after.

I met recently a hellishly charming woman who managed to make me believe and trust her. Such endearing communication we seemed to be engaged in. But alas, behind her winsome innocence, elegance and beauty, hided a vindictive monster. I made the mistake of letting my guard down, and the pandemonium started.

The whole game that followed was about manipulation of emotions, everything to take me away from and kill my NOW-Presence!!! This power-horny slut, hated whatever vivid and spontaneous expression – eventually, she seems to be at war with Life and Living. Of course she would never ever admit this. She would deceive you with incredible skillful delusions. Such a con artist, helping me in subtle or violent ways to disengage from and live in bitter oblivion from Self. To forget WHO YOU ARE, so you become her prey.

The blatant likeness between her and the wounds imposed on me by my father in my early childhood is mind-blowing. Staggeringly paradoxical. Why Life is such a complicated psychological conundrum totally surpasses my grasping…

But here I am…Coming out, untangling myself from and sorting out an age-old nightmarish riddle…Speaking about things no one dares to acknowledge or take up….

Later can be fatal

Some days ago sitting at my favorite cafe, a friend came to my table with her father.

Utterly surreal, absurd and terrifying:
The guy took a nut and choked. Such heartbreaking agony. The ambulance came, the paramedic did his best to help out but guess what: the poor man died on the spot. Absolutely stupefying.

The moral of this?

Give up all meaningless mind games! All procrastination. All inane manipulation. Fuck “later”. Life is utterly frail and unpredictable:


To love is to die

One must totally die to find what love is. And to go into this question of what is death, what lies beyond death, whether there is reincarnation, whether there is resurrection, you follow, all that, becomes rather meaningless if you don’ t know how to live. If the human being knows how to live in this world without conflict then death has quite a different meaning.
– J Krishnamurti

For sure:

Without death, no life. Without death, no love. Although we consider It the ultimate Evil, Death may be highest good. The secret door to renewal. I won’t say let’s die now – it may be too harsh on our Ego – I will simply say, let’s renew ourselves…

Neither Heraclitus, Plato or Socrates or whoever great man, can help and guide us through this tremendous undertaking: psychological Death. Each of us is on his own to find out.


Death: the cessation of direction, of memory, of thought, of ideal…

“Are you aware of the significance of your words here?” – he asked.

To die is an act of totality. Even “significance” has to go, if we are to take on this huge challenge.

Man´s worst fear, is the loss of his identity, which equates the loss of his ubiquitous “significance”…Significance – meaning belief, meaning psychological security…Nobody wants to risk and jeopardize the Supreme Sense we have built through Millennia…- the very Idea of who or what we think we are…

We do not therefore fear Death, but – of course – the cessation of our ideas and projections, about what we term as Life and Death…

As long as we take “Love” as an outcome of our all too human projection, we will neither live nor love.

If we are forever attempting to “achieve” we shall never fulfill

It’s almost like anything else:

If we ‘speak’ of it as if ‘it’s’ our reason for life, – a definition of our existence – then we are belittling both ‘it’ and ourselves…

‘Life’ as defined by ‘us’ is ‘lived’ not explained – we are who we are defined not by others, but by…

– Stephen

The only true abundance – NOW

Yes, it’s the only true abundance, and yet I don’t live my life from that understanding.

Utterly speaking, is there a difference between “I do” and “I don´t”?

What happened if you “lived” your life from that understanding? Honestly, would that make a sensible difference?


Who lives, and who doesn´t?…

If you didn´t live, would you still live or understand?…

Am I playing with words here?…God forbid, why would I?

The thing is that we could indulge and talk for ever about Now, but logic will never fathom
what Now – Life – is about.

“I live” is the beginning of fear. The beginning of trouble. 

“I live – or live not – `my life´ is a double lie.

After all:


How can a lie – the ego – ever understand anything?…

The ego will never surrender, that is, it will not and cannot understand this present moment.

The ego is the denial of life, as simple as that. The denial of Now.

Expectations lost…Dreams forgotten

There’s something so important in the notion of losing expectations,
and forgetting dreams. How can we possibly expect to live a dream if we haven’t
discovered how to live?… Doesn’t it seem silly to you?

We promote this way of living all to often “What’s your dream job”, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Allowing people to center, to arrive, to their true being; not the far off, foggy wish that
has largely been tainted with societies expectations of what a dream should look like.”

Indeed, how can we possibly expect to live a dream if we haven’t discovered
how to live now?…

Haven´t we all been taught to live “later”?…-To have dreams, to live, as you say, in the
far off, 
to do anything in our might to sell this moment for an empty promise…so immensely sad.

Such terrible waste of life…

To allow oneself to arive in this present moment: that´s Wisodm. That is Love.

I for one go through the tough lesson of “arresting” becoming. To withdraw from the absence offered to me by everybody. To come “back” to myself the way that I am and was, but wasn´t allowed to…There is deep sorrow in that, but I assume this if I want to really recover from this sickness of living in the “nowhere´s land”.

So it is: it is imperative to start focusing on what we are right now – on what
we feel we need to express in this moment – what would bring us ultimate joy.

As long as you don´t know yourself, you live in self-denial

Who am I to you? Who are you to me?

Can you trust yourself?

The same self that has been affected by the afore-mentioned “confused confusing”
environmental factors right from childhood; and concepts of right/wrong, sane/warped
have been attacked even before some basic foundations have been laid? Without external
influences, are we even sure we would turn out fine with reliable inner voices?

Also, regarding the “society”, it is made up of people like you and I, and so may not always be wrong if individually they heed their inner voices (if this inner voice is reliably right).


Who am I…?

Is this “I” an isolated random phenomenon?…

Is what I call “my life” a subjective story shaped by my concepts of right or wrong, is my “personal experience” only my own, am I only a sum of different confusions and mishaps?

Who is there to tell?…

Who – or What – is responsible for the clear perception within me, for “my” real successes,
for the true and authentic achievements hitherto?…

What can you rely on at the end of the day, when smashing successes turn to be
failures, and failures success…?

What is there to be trusted…?

Can I know anything for real?…
Indeed, do I know myself in order to trust myself?

The question can be also posed like this:
Do I know others in order to rely on myself?

Where do “I” begin, and where does the other fellow humans “finish”…?

Likewise, where begins the “internal” and where “the external”?

If my relation to you is “warped”, how can I ever stand upright? Meaning that
in order to trust myself, I have to trust you too…cause you and me is the problem,
the real discourse…the very foundation of anything.

Consequently, where there is a steadfast foundation built on trust and reciprocity,
we would turn out fine with our reliable inner voices.