Godless Science and Organized Religion have crushed man´s soul

I am, what may be considered, a mystic.

If you are not acquainted with what mysticism is about, a mystic is essentially a person who has a direct understanding beyond the normally man-invented religions. Mysticism is the conscious awareness of the ultimate reality, divinity, or God, through direct experience, intuition, instinct or insight.

I was raised in the Christian Orthodox faith. But I don´t take this or any other creed for granted. I question every religious allegiance.

I definitely don´t ascribe any meaning to any dogma – the exoteric sense of every religion
is to me totally futile.

Now…I have pondered deeply over all these years.

I believe in Christ but not in Christianity. Intuitively I would totally discard this faith if it wasn´t for certain mystics like Meister Eckhart, Teresa of Avila or John of the Cross.

I am rather intimate with their writings and have found
meaningful answers in their words.

But throughout all these years, in the worst moments of crisis, none of them have been
of any real avail.
I had to face darkness on my own. The Christian precepts couldn´t save me. Only Zen, and above all Krishnamurti, have been my trustworthy companions in this dark night of the soul which – imagine – has been going on since I was 21.

First now, at 50, I am slowly coming out of it.

However, when I think of the Cathedral in Chartres, or, for that matter, other magnificent achievements in art or music in Europe ever since, I cannot possibly dismiss the very fact that the great spiritual legacy of Europe has directly derived from the Christian faith.

Undeniably, Europe and its culture is directly connected with Christianity.

Yet Christianity – I mean the very breath of it – is dead. Had it been alive, I wouldn´t have encountered this harsh darkness in my soul all these years.

Despite living in the “modern world”, never renouncing it, I somehow lived like a recluse, and God knows how I made it through. As I said, there was no one there to guide me.

Now, Faith is nothing you word about. It is a vivid breath, an ineffable emanation of sorts.
A presence…

And here I come to what I want to point out:

I saw this documentary about a Russian woman living by herself in the wilderness of Siberia. It is overwhelming: her simplicity, her strength and endurance, her otherworldly smile, depth and wisdom…Really, it was staggering, I have never somehow seen this kind of Light anywhere…except maybe in certain paintings of the grand masters.

To quote her: “The godless science which has crushed man´s soul“…

She is a vivid evidence that Christianity, beyond its dogmatic flaws, is not
some kind of superstitious concoct, but something very “real”.

And it is here that I come to bluntly disagree with Krishnamurti who claims that man has invented churches, rituals and gods, as being nonsense.

The deep essence of Christianity is indeed no figment of some deluded minds, even if,
more often than not, it appears to be that way.

The most difficult task is to dig so deep back to the sources, into its primordial “breath” without turning into a hermit.
Living in the world, but not being of this world… – inhumanly precarious predicament.


For the ones interested to watch the documentary:


The Unreal is far more real than “reality”

Despite being a musician myself, I have always had problems in interacting with “musicians”. Most of them have no vision at all, lack any sense of phantasy, they dont usually understand a thing beyond common rendition of any piece, in short, more often than not, they are a total nuisance and a bore. Unbearable…

God, how I had to put up with their petty fear, misjudgment and their “intellectual” aloofness which many times was nothing but pompous mediocrity. In their “company”I felt like a total misfit, thinking only of mischief  – how to corrupt their incredible narcissism and lack of self-distance. According to their “understanding”, I was not “serious” being interested in literature and philosophy. When they found out that I paint, write poems and essays, things become even worse.

Unless you stick with the known and the petty, you become an outlaw. Trying to “convince” them through wise argumentation and coherent thought turned into more disaster, as fools never feel like communicating  – they just wanna be right, and punished me for disturbing their idiotic comfort zone.

Really, trying to reach a mediocrity is worse than ranting to a wall. Whatever is not mediocre scares them to death. Such guilt I felt in their biased comprehension. Such sadness. Such indescribable loneliness and confusion.

If those dealing with immaterial reality – MUSIC –  don´t get a thing, who the hell does…?

So all these years, I had no choice than accepting and going all the way into this loneliness of being on my own, dig and grope into abysmal sorrow not knowing if I ever will come out from this pit.

But here I am…seeing a crevice. This person called Julien Matei is finally emerging as a meta entity dealing with Music, Colour, Movement and perennial Word.

This exhausting journey is now coming to an end. I tasted the most bitter fruits of metaphysical loneliness, and I haven´t wavered…

If “Art” is to be real, it need to be Meta Art.

Likewise, if Life is to be real, it needs to be Meta Life – we have to surpass and leave behind this perverted and fusty Ego, confronting the Eternal Light and its Shade. Sometimes what is “beyond” is more immediate than this very moment. The holy instant before it…