Relation is discontinuous

Thus,

Where there is craving for continuity there is no relation.

It has taken me years to understand this

Making someone the reason of your happiness
is to actually deny and disempower yourself.

Love can never be real without genuine connection – a dialogue about intimate relations

She:
I have been seeing a man who expects me to hang off his every word as though it’s never yet been thought, and yet, when I try to contribute to the conversation, he reads a newspaper, or looks around, and once I’ve said something, he proceeds to say “Sorry, what did you say?” Sometimes, he is so obviously engrossed in something else that even when I’m silent, he says “Sorry, what was that?” almost as an afterthought, or a pretense that he was trying to listen when he’s really just waiting for me to be quiet so he can speak again.

I don’t expect all my thoughts and comments to be mind-blowing, though they are certainly often outside of the realm of “normal”…but I do expect to be shown the respect of being heard, especially since he so desires that from me. Or. Perhaps I just need a new man-friend.

Because love – can never be real love – without genuine connection, and genuine connection cannot occur in a communication vacuum

Me:
Tell me, is he rich at least? 😛

No, but really…relations are a conundrum.

Sorry for being so overly frank, but how on earth can you put up with such a self-infatuated and conceited fellow?

The feminine psyche is a total paradox so I wonder:

Does his disrespectful attitude somehow secretly make you look up to him?

Is it something in this type of behaviour which inertially triggers you?

What made you fall for him after all?…

There are women who are turned off if shown too much interest and affectionate attention.
They tacitly ask to be dominated and demeaned and thus are unconsciously drawn to this type of male who keeps them in constant turmoil.

There are very few genuine and intimate relations in this world. Most of them are built on distance. Mutual exploitation. Whims. Manipulation. What draws people together is usually the false self.

It´s about time maybe you revise the motive behind your attraction to this guy, assuming your own words:

“Love can never be real without genuine connection, and genuine connection cannot occur in a communication vacuum.”

Indeed, it is ripe time we become aware and face our inner vacuum, and start the real communication with the True Self. Only then we may know what Love is about.

Why do certain people find each other, and others don´t?

It doesn´t seem to be a rule to anything.

It is peculiar really:

There are people who never give a thought about introspection and “self-work” and somehow find the “right” partner. This partnership may look like hell for others, but for those involved, it is nonetheless, the “real” thing.

And there are those few who have been working all their life with themselves, are honest, reliable, spiritually aware and talented and find no match. I have known throughout life many such lovable persons who, against all odds, are by themselves.

Is successful match a matter of luck?…Is it fate? Good karma…?

Seemingly, a truly good and “holy” relation entails much more than “inner work”.

After all, God knows what the “right” ingredients are…

PS This is a comment I made on her post. Of you want to read her article here it is:

http://themanaoblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/25/best-is-yet-to-be/

Aren´t you tired to search in vain?

Isn´t it strange?

We invariably expect others to accept and love us, yet we don´t approve of and accept ourselves. In fact, others respond to how you see yourself, yes, to what you give or not give to yourself.

How can others be generous with us, if we are stingy with ourselves?

The more we try to find ourselves through others, letting exterior circumstances define who we are, the more stressed, unfulfilled and unhappy we become.

We secretly crave for others´approval, that is why we are so
concerned and afraid about their opinion, as in fact, we are afraid
to look inside ourselves.

As long as you fail to see that your own approval of yourself is the answer to the contentment and fulfillment you obsessively seek for in others, you will be the slave of everybody´s whims and mischief.

There is no one else to validate you other than you

She wrote:
“My fate is to lose in love every time. I am so confused that why it happens to me, so I asked my doctor about it. She said that there is no answer really, I just have to concentrate on my goals – to be a published author and keep on inspiring people. I sometimes feel that in inspiring others, I have lost a part of my self, especially my heart! People say, and I know that I am attractive, but my life has been in the hands of God – there is a strong sense of Destiny involved.

When I think of the future, I feel scared, I do not want a long life, I don’t want to live to a ripe old age! I feel like I am 100 years old already! The future seems hopeless, too vast, my strength is waning…”

My answer:

What is the significance of any goal whatsoever…?

Why do we generally need “goals”?

Simply put, to escape our deep dissatisfaction now.
“Goal” is the perfect means to escape this very moment.

If we were at ease, deeply contented, deeply present, we wouldn´t need “goals”,
as what is considered a goal would pretty much come by itself naturally
and gracefully.

You may be pretty much aware of this, if you are honest with yourself.

Let me put it straight, as there can be no misunderstanding as to the “rightness”
of my words:

We “lose” in love every time – failing to have fulfilling relations – because in
a sort of
weird way, we fail to love ourselves.

After all, you say it yourself: “I sometimes feel that in inspiring others,
I have lost a part of my self – especially my heart!”

It´s obviously ripe time for you to admit this truth: you are the one needing
your own attention, your own love. You need to find the deep-seated
inspiration in yourself, not outwardly.

When we use words like “God” or “Destiny”, they are in fact not real, as we but
tend to project are fears, shortcomings and illusions in these words.
Life has no “preferences”. Ultimately what we call God is
Universal Presence – Love with other words. If Love is free, how can it then
have any expectation on you?…

Back to the root question, the most difficult one:

How can you validate yourself? How can we love ourselves when no one has ever taught us how to really do it…?

Really, do we want to play hide and seek or do you want to love and be loved…?

The question here is: how can we awake our heart from being numb…?

Cause if our hearts are numb, we will meet other numb hearts.We have the answer in our sorrow: we have to heal through lovingly accepting our pain, acknowledging our present predicament. As long as we flee our pain, the bigger it becomes.

Usually, you are afraid of the future because your past is unresolved. And being
unresolved, it kills your Now, making you fear the future – the future not being more
than the projection of the past.

Bottom line:

Accept your pain and hardships cause there´s the answer to your life.

No matter how real it may seem, you are not your life story

Despite being a grown-up woman, Adina has unresolved issues with her father.

No wonder. The old man has throughout his life been a veritable pain in the neck:
self-absorbed, unbearably narcissistic, recklessly manipulative,
really, a pretentious, neurotic bastard. A maniac.

Everybody owns him. He is the most important person en earth. No one else counts, but his petty drama. Nobody puts up with him. Despite being 86 he is more infatuated than a furious youngster.

Whatever the daughter tries, no matter how nice and compliant she is with him,
he is never pleased.
This unsettling relation with her father, made her life an emotional mess. Up to the point that she has health problems. Similar symptoms like her mother, who eventually passed away some few years ago, as this rascal made the poor woman´s life a living hell.

On one hand Adina bitterly hates him, on the other, she feels guilty about him.
“Damn it”, she burst roguishly as we spoke in the phone “I could shoot this old bastard,
at the same time I feel sorry for him, in a sort of twisted way.”

I told her:

“You have to heed your own sorrow here. Stop internalizing his drama in you.
Just take him off your shoulders!
He will never change, but you can.
No matter how real the conflict is within you, your life story is not you.
Who You Really Are, is not part of the drama inflicted on you by your father!.

Next time you meet him, watch yourself while interacting with him, as if it was a film.
No matter how uneasy it may be, watch your emotions as if they were not you – be a secret and neutral witness to whatever is happening in the moment.

Take a step back and watch.

The moment you stop identifying with these overwhelming feelings,
you will gain a new and healthy perspective.
This new perspective is the real space within you. It is the healing space of
your awareness.
Even a short glimpse of this unutterable inner place, is enough so the shift
within can initiate.
Trust this glimpse! This immediate “thrill” is the key to your healing. Let
this process unfold!

LET YOUR SOUL TELL YOU ANOTHER MORE BEAUTIFUL STORY!

Remember that this whole range of negative feelings is eventually not more than
random fiction, take my word for this, a story maintained and perpetuated
by your ego!

Instead of fully living the moment, we turn it into memory as we go

She:
For what’s the use of holding on to our memories if we can’t make new ones?

Me:
Why should we make new memories?…

She:
Why?… This is how we go on in life: by living it; creating new memories as we go.

Me:
You see…there is the heart of the matter: creating new memories as we go,
do we really live life?…- or we are constantly experiencing a mere projection
of what we think it´s life and living…?

WHY DO WE HAVE THE URGE OF CREATING NEW MEMORIES?

Let´s ponder:

For most of us, NOW doesn´t really exist…- as this very moment is mostly the outcome of other memories – successes, failures, deceit and traumas, unfulfilled hopes, etc; and that being so, we invariably add the memories of this un-lived moment on top of those earlier memories, becoming more and more petrified, insensitive and invulnerable to whatever is new and imponderable – Life…

Indeed, we end up fighting against Life, this present moment becoming an irreversible threat. Hence we constantly empower and reinforce our very conditioning – which perpetuates itself through – what other, than?… – memory.

If we objectively and dispassionately understand this insidious mechanism, we start considering the very nature of our Conditioning.

Seriously following this pursuit with an unbiased mind, you will find that memory derives directly from Fear – which is, searching for inner and outer security, protection of the false identity; after all, memory is the main element which isolates us from “the other”…

Again, memory prevents us from plenary living this moment, from being open to Life, now….

Once we earnestly explore the nature of Memory as the core of our conditioning, we have the chance of being free and alive…

Be your own best friend, before someone else is

She:
“I am very sensitive, it’s been the bane of my life. Although few would believe it. I’m very good at hiding that part of me with my boisterous personality. I don’t listen to the news or read newspapers because all I see around me is how inhuman people can be. I just can’t take it. It plays havoc with my mind. Every day is a struggle for me against the terrible thoughts that flash through my head. I don’t know anyone else who thinks this way. I’ve always assumed something is wrong with me.

It must be difficult to accept solitude. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it. You see I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to care. I want to be able to spill my inner thoughts and feelings to someone, and still be secure in their friendship. Do you understand?”

Me:
Accepting solitude is not easy. And yet, only in solitude can the mind empty itself
from all false 
relation, retrieving its freshness and pervasive clarity.

“I want someone to care”, you say. “I want to be able to spill my inner thoughts and feelings to someone, and still be secure in their friendship.”

You see, as long as we search for well-being through “another”, projecting our sense of security on the outside, sooner or later, we are bound to be let down.

At the end of the day, WHO IS THIS “SOMEONE” YOU LOOK FOR, BUT YOU…?

You have to be your best friend, before someone else is…

As I said earlier, you have to start befriending yourself, that is, finding gradually the longed-for security within, IN YOUR OWN FRIENDSHIP TO YOURSELF.

And once you do that, there might be a chance that you find someone who has undergone the same process of inner “ransacking”.

So the real question is why you keep hiding your sensitivity…The more we hide our emotions, the more we think, it´s a fact. The more suppressed emotions, the more flourishes the destructiveness of our Mind, can you see that?…

The inhuman-ness going on around you, mirrors your own hopeless struggle against your own emotions. The moment you begin accepting and embracing your positive and negative emotions,  you will find relief…And feeling relief, you can see the world in a total new perspective…

Whatever you see around you, will simply affect you less, once you start feeling some
well-deserved alleviation.

Gently… – start looking at the relation between emotion and thought:

Troubled emotions, troubled thoughts.

I could tell you easily that YOUR REAL SELF, is neither troubled emotions nor these unsettling thoughts, but you probably wouldn´t believe me at this stage. My words cannot help. You simply have to face directly this experience.

For now!

Look closely at what you think with no resistance, preference or fear:
Can you naturally disidentify from those “terrible thoughts flashing through your mind”,
knowing that THEY ARE NOT YOU, AND YOU ARE NOT THEM…?

Can you say: “These thoughts are happening, but they are not me…?
These feelings are scary, but they are not WHO I AM…”

I know it´s easier said than done, but look at your thoughts as if they were some kind of random film, no longer ascribing them such vital importance.

To round off, it´s good for you to formulate your thoughts. Express them in whatever way
you find constructive and suitable. Find a way to express your sensitivity!

Above all, STOP HIDING YOU FROM YOURSELF!

Your inner story equates your destiny

Whatever happens, or doesn´t happen in your personal life-story is the outcome
of your inner story.

All events, all dramas, people you encounter, all relations, or absence of
meaningful relations,  mirror perfectly your inner state – your conditioning.

This inner conditioning of yours decide everything in the course of what you call
“personal experience”. Indeed, your inner conditioning equates your destiny!

With other words, this conglomerate of emotions, memories, traumas,
unfulfilled wishes, unresolved conflicts and expectations from your childhood
become THE ENTITY WHICH GOVERNS YOUR LIFE, WHO CALLS ITSELF “I”.

In most cases, your real I-ness has no chance against this powerful inertial dissonance. This vibrational disharmony is usually very powerful, it continues to perpetuate itself, yes, it lives “your” life, without you having a chance to assert yourself “against” it – as your real individuality is not sufficiently constellated.

If you were abused and maltreated in your childhood, if your father or mother were emotionally frustrated, if you were demeaned and scorned, the sum of these experiences will attract encounters with people with the same predicament.

If you are reasonably awake, you will admit that all your friends and acquaintances 
although being individuals with different backgrounds, secretly share a kind of similar destiny with yours.

I repeat: your early life-experience determines the course of your life!

Tell me honestly, how many times you haven´t worked hard to achieve something desirable, and what you got was nothing but a reiteration of your well-known life-drama…You wanted a better partner, a more understanding friend, a better position, but eventually you “manifested” the same abusive wife or husband, narcissistic friend or boss, being hopelessly relegated to your role as a victim of your own destiny…

Seemingly, your vulnerable and loose I-ness has no chance “to beat up” these mighty destructive forces. 

It is for sure an impossible combat to try fighting against this timeless individual and collective adverse heredity.

Sadly enough, very few will know the liberation from this reckless fate, and it is understandable why – it is an impossible undertaking to outwit an immemorial conditioning which is the very foundation of this “civilization”.

If you feel that you are among “those few” – and you might be, since you read these lines now – know that IT IS POSSIBLE TO PUT BEHIND THIS AGELESS DRAMA.

What is required is your readiness and lucidity to see things as they truly are.

Against all odds, what you have to do is acknowledging the drama but stop
fighting against it.

Understand that whatever you try to conceive being caught in the grip
of conditioning,
 will inevitably fail. 

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE-STORY, YOU  NECESSARILY
NEED TO LET GO OF IT, TELLING YOURSELF A NEW STORY.

Watch out to not repeat the old story in a new version, which easily happens
when people and political systems claim to change.

Just stop aspiring! Take a break from it all for a while!
STOP TRYING TO BUILD ON A FALSE GROUND!

Put an end to this wicked carousel by just observing it impartially.

RETRIEVE YOUR INNOCENCE. Give yourself a new space! Your sense of real
I-ness may be presently weak and vulnerable, but through becoming a
child again, you can discover its incredible strength.

Observe your sorrow, don´t try to heal it through relations or through actions, cause you end up where you started. Just observe it, express it!

CRY IT if it feels like that!…It is no shame to express your pain!

Start to play again! Play and play even if it hurts! Improvise and play!
Put everything upside down! See Life, as an expression of Joy instead of Must.

Choose to see everything through the mirror of your new discovered joy! This joy
is the sister of your sorrow. 

The more veritable joy and true feeling, the more you grow.

And in due time, out of this joy – which is your true I-ness -, you will see that change swiftly happens around you. New people, new opportunities, new chances to grow!…

YOU CHANGE YOUR DESTINY WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR INNER STORY!